Because I am funny that way...

"So, how did you spend your Sunday?"

Well, frankly, I did laundry. Loads and loads of laundry. Count 'em: 8 loads. Plus a trip to the Laundromat to wash my feather bed. Yeah, it took about 3 hours to get it dry.

I am declaring the rest of this week a laundry-free zone. You could say that I am giving laundry up for lint.

Heh.

But then my naysayers will scream, "It is spelled Lent, and it isn't funny!"

But I think it is.

So there. ;)

So it has been a month...

since my last post. Sorry to those folks who actually like to hear from me. I do appreciate the comments and support - and kick myself when I let so much time slip without writing. But then I remember that guilt and shame should not be my motivators and I let it go. Way. Too. Long. Bad habits die hard.

Yeah, I am still not back in the swing of blogging - funny how things that you couldn't go a day without doing end up on the back burner. That goes for working out, too. However, I can happily/proudly/smugly report that I made it to the gym 8 times in the past month and am officially at 85/200. Yes, you could point out that there was a time when I would work out that much in a week. You could also point out that I have been sitting at 147 pounds since November. But that is when I would point out that this is my blog and I decide what is woot worthy. So there! ;)

I have sort of half-heartedly decided that I would like to get down under 140 pounds. Nothing official, mind you. Just one of those, "It would be sort of cool if I weighed less than 140 pounds." I do realize that this is the same kind of thinking that went on the entire time I was gaining the forty-some-odd pounds that I have already lost. There is something to be said for being content. I don't know that the same can be said for being complacent. I also don't know which category fits.

The great news? I am so happy. Truly happy. Whistle while you work happy. Honestly. Yeah, it is tough raising my kids without a second set of hands nearby, but it is infinitely easier than attempting it with my heart tied behind my back. Life is so good.

Oh, and on the clutter front: there has been vast improvement in my house over the past couple of months. I have whole rooms that are (and stay) clean. Sure, the kids make messes. Yeah, there is lots more to clear away. But I have actually cleaned out closets that I hadn't opened since we moved here 6 years ago. It feels wonderful to toss stuff in the garbage. Really. Cleaning out the house is a bunch like losing the weight. It feels so overwhelming when you start seriously thinking about it, and halfway through you wonder what you have gotten yourself into, but when you get to the end you feel great all over. It is so worth it. Now, from what I understand, maintenance is the hard part...

Not Dead, Yet...

Any of you who have spent very long in blogland know that folks tend to blog in cycles. That is, unless they are much more disciplined that I am. But, folks like me tend to do lots of things in cycles - and when they are interesting, and nothing else is pressing, and well - anyway.

So, I did manage to make it to the gym. Twice! Of course, two gym trips in 4 months hardly feels like much to report. It may make a little difference to know that they happened in the same week. No? Does it help to know that I walked my ass off in Washington, DC and am still sore from sleeping on an air mattress for a week? No??

Damn, y'all are a tough crowd.

Of course, it is probably stretching to say, "y'all" - which implies that more than one person is reading this blog. Humor me.

Okay, so the official count of workouts is 77/200. I have moved more than that. Really.

I have moved mountains. I have moved my ex-husband out of my house. I have moved through another semester of school. (18 weeks left in my bachelor's program. Master's program starts in the fall. I am such a schooley.) However, I have not managed to conquer that 200 workout thing - but I still have time. Like 4 months. Yikes! 123 workouts in 4 months? Can you say, "Psycho Gym Attendance"?? Even *I* can't imagine going to the gym every single day.

So, I will go to concerts instead. Yeah. Keith Urban and Train are both on my calendar. Keith because one of my girlfriends is all about him. Train because Brandon went to camp with me when we were kids. (See how I said that?? Like he should be name-dropping my name instead of the other way around??) I have been meaning to send a fanboy email to him for months, but just never got around to it until today. After dropping $185 on concert tickets, I felt the need to reconnect. We'll see if he remembers where he came from.

Ahem. I think I just choked on my presumptuousness.

So, perhaps I will stick with being a disability groupie (You rock, Bob Kafka!!) I am way too (old/shy/afraid) to chase down rock stars.

Oh, and thanks for not giving up on the MegaChallenge, Jen.

Status Update...

Since this is a pseudo-fitness blog I will start out with my current weight: 147 lbs. I have not done my fat percentage in months, so that is completely out-of-date. I have managed to walk and do other minor forms of exercise, but I haven't been to the gym and my count remains stuck at 75/200.

Now, that we have the preliminaries out of the way, we can move on to my New Year's challenge. I have not really gotten going on the list of talents and training needs. I have taken a look at the master's programs that I am interested in and am narrowing them down in case that is the direction I end up pursuing. I printed out the FAFSA worksheet in preparation for applying for financial aid, and have filled in all the blanks I am able. If I am going to grad school, I have to have everything in order, and I don't want a form or two to prevent my getting started. So, I am working toward what I want in my life.

In even more impressive news, I have both of the Christmas trees down, all of the ornaments and lights boxed up, and everything in the attic. There are a couple of stray Santa decorations and Nativity sets hanging around, but they will be outta here in the next 24 hours. Once all of the Christmas stuff is gone, I will set another step in the clutter-cutting goal. So, I am making great progress on the elimination side of the plan.

Now, to keep the momentum...

Yeah, That Would Be Me...

The one who manages to lose weight over the holidays and is currently weighing in at 147.5 lbs. I wish I could attribute it to methodical exercise and a stellar diet. It is more likely the fact that I have bronchitis and didn't feel like cooking or eating all of the standard holiday fare.

I will give myself credit, though. I kept myself away from the cases of spiral hams and allowed myself one small piece of pumpkin pie - no whipped cream. The bag of M&Ms that my wasband left at my house was more than I could manage - and I have managed to down a decent amount of it. So, it needs to go.

Outside of that, things are going along about as well as can be expected. My divorce is final (as of Dec. 21 - it gave a whole new meaning to the solstice) and I am looking to the future.

With 72 hours (or so) left in 2005, I have to admit that it has been a pretty impressive year. Yeah, I lost more than 40 pounds, a husband, and completed a year of school. But more than that, I began the journey of rediscovering myself.

2006 is the year I will either meet the MegaChallenge and complete my 200 workouts - or fall short. It is also the year when I will decide whether to tackle a master's degree or to head off to a real job or a combination of the two. Lots of growth and changes are in store.

I don't get into the whole New Year's Resolutions thing - but I do use the change of the calendar to reassess. My favorite question is: If I could have/do/be anything what would it be? Then I have to ask: What is the first step toward having it? When can I get that step completed? Who will hold me accountable for accomplishing it?

My second favorite question is: What is in my life that I would rather be rid of? Then the same steps apply. It isn't mindbogglingly difficult to ask, but it can have enormous impact on my life when I bother to actually implement the answers.

• If I could be anything what would it be? A graphic facilitator/life coach. (See Christina's site and you will have a pretty decent idea of my bliss.)
• What is the first step toward being a life coach? Doing an assessment of my current abilities and the areas which need development.
• When can I get that step completed? By New Year's.
  
• Who will hold me accountable? My blog readers.

And on the other side:

• If I could get rid of anything what would it be? The clutter in my house.
  
• What is the first step toward decluttering? Taking down the holiday decorations.
• When can I get that step completed? By New Year's.
• Who will hold me accountable? My blog readers.

Okay - so before the ball drops in Time's Square I will have a list of my current talents and training needs as well as all of my decorations put away.

What are you going to do to get 2006 rolling in the right direction?

Yeah, I Wish...

I wish I was here to tell you that I am back to working out. Fact is that I doubt the folks at the gym would recognize me. Yeah, it has been that long. I still have a small desire to make my goal of 200 workouts this year. I haven't looked at the math to see if it is still possible - but I do like finishing what I start.

The person who started out doing this with me is in the same boat. It looks like Renee and Allan and Trish have sort of drifted from their goals, too. Perhaps this isn't a sign of failure, though. Perhaps it is a normal part of life. When I set my goal to work out 200 times this year, it was with the idea that it would take that to get back into my summer clothing. Well, I actually reached that goal in 75 workouts. Does that mean that I never need to work out, again? Of course not! But it does mean that my focus has shifted.

Brenna perfectly illustrates this point. Does she want to be physically strong? Absolutely. But she wants to be a mommy more right now. So, her focus has shifted. That's not to say that a couple months after those babies (yes more than one) are born that her focus won't readjust. But growing babies is a big job - and sort of requires that you give up the goal of fitting into anything smaller than a circus tent - at least in the short term.

So, am I struggling with finding the motivation to get to the gym? Absolutely. Am I freaked out about it? Can't say that I am. I will say that I need to fit some fitness into my life.

My real struggle is with making room for all of the things I need to do along with the stuff I want to do. When working out was a want, I was motivated to work it into my daily routine. Now that it is a need, and not my heart's desire I am a little (okay, a lot) less likely to squeeze it in. This portion of the challenge is to find a way to remain motivated to do things that aren't at the very top of my to do list.

Yikes. This stuff just gets harder and harder!

Two Weeks and Two Days Later...

I am still weighing in around 149. Some days a little more, some days a little less. The lowest evah was 148 last week. And don't ask about workouts. They aren't happening. But that is so not the focus of my thoughts right now.

My focus is on getting my house in order - literally and figuratively. I am reading tons of books, planning the holidays for my kids (I am not into it at all, but I know better than to skip the festivities.), and throwing out piles of stuff.

It is amazing what you (I) will hang onto way past its usefulness. Like who needs 75 buttons from the 80's? If you were around when Robin Williams was better known as Mork, you will remember the suspenders he wore - complete with sun and moon buttons. Well, that was early in my formative years, and I took that fad and carried it all the way into my adulthood by way of a massive collection of buttons that refused to die. Yeah, they ended up in some box along with several Swatch watches, ticket stubs from concerts and movies (remember the Police? How 'bout the Goonies??), and gawd knows what else. I finally made a clean break with middle and high school and dumped the whole shebang into the garbage.

Yeah, here's where I could make the leap and say the same thing about my marriage. But that would be way too obvious. So, how about I wait right here while you think through that thought and then we can move on.

You back? Great!

So where were we? Oh yeah, cleaning house. See the trouble with cleaning house is that you spend way too much time looking at the stuff you are throwing away and get really close to forgetting the point of the cleaning part. Now you want to know the point? Okay, get ready for it...

The point of cleaning house is to make room to live in it.

If your life is cluttered with all the memorabilia from what you have already done, how will you ever make space to experience anything new? You won't. Of course, you risk throwing away the one thing that you will desperately need in a week and won't be able to replace for anything less than $600 on eBay. That's why we hang on to all of that stuff. It seems too risky to let it go.

But at some point it has to go. Either that, or you will find yourself sitting amongst your piles of already-dones and wondering why you aren't happy. Don't get me wrong. I am keeping my grandmother's dishes and all of my CDs and lots of other things that I love. It isn't that things from the past are bad - but they need to grow with you. I mean, how ridiculous would I look walking around wearing rainbow suspenders covered with buttons that say things like, "I Heart Garfield"? Yeah. Not pretty.

So, out with the tasteless, dated, rusting garbage. I am making room to live again.

All In A Day's Work...

So, you know how sometimes you build a day up to be a really big deal and then you are all let down when it isn't such a big deal? Well, I don't have that problem. At. All.

November 21, 2005.

It was already scheduled to be a big day as I had my court appearance for the divorce this morning. It took all of 5 minutes to get the judge's signature on the order, and I managed the whole thing without tripping over my feet and landing in his lap. That's a good thing.

As quickly as the court part went, the clerk part was not. Quick, that is. I waited 2 hours for the court clerk to make a certified copy of my decree. See, you have to have that to change your name on your driver's license and social security card and all of those other places where you have told someone that you have a name. So, I waited. I was absolutely convinced that she was hand scribing the damn thing.

So, I am divorced. Yikes. I have had a couple of panic attacks when I think of the reality of being single with two small children. Beyond that I am just really, really sad.

Knowing that (I am sad) think of the mind blow when I stepped on the scale and discovered that I have achieved goal weight. Yes! On the day I end my marriage, I end my diet. Funky weird mixed emotions are everywhere. And, get this, I didn't just hit goal weight. Nope, I sailed right past it to 148.5 because why would I ever be allowed to actually see my goal weight pop up on the scale? Yeah, because that would be the expected outcome. Not that I am complaining. Since I am aiming a little lower for good measure (like to the low 140s - I will fine tune it as I see how I look/feel) the bonus half pound is all good.

We are going to move the car, but it does weird things when you lose more than your goal. So, I am going to put in that I am at goal and not beyond goal. If I can adjust to all the stuff that is going on around here, y'all can deal with the ticker confusion. Right?? Thought so.

So Close...

I am finally out of the 150's with a morning scale reading of 149.5 lbs. Yep. I am a half pound away from my goal weight! Yeehaw! It feels amazing and surreal to be this close to a goal that seemed so far away when I started the MegaChallenge back in June. Let's see what this does to the car:

I am also less than 24 hours away from seeing the judge to finalize my divorce. Yikes! I am sort of in shock - numb and disbelief are the feelings of the day - but at the same time I realize that what we are doing makes sense. Of course, no one walks down the aisle in 40 yards of organza with the hopes that they will end up divorced some 10 years, 4 months, and 6 days later (but who's counting?). I said those vows believing that we'd be a couple until death. Luckily neither of us resorted to murder to keep that vow. Though, I am sure we were both tempted a time or two.

Hint: You know your marriage is over when your spouse is 4 hours late getting home and you start thinking of ways to spend the insurance money rather that calling hospitals. It is never a good sign when you are disappointed that they showed up alive. I never wished my wasband dead. And I actually still care a lot about him. So, don't worry that I have come completely unhinged. I'm just sayin'.

Not Nearly Enough...

Yeah, I went to the gym. On Monday. It isn't just the fact that I am falling behind on my goals. It isn't that my weight loss is slow going without the workouts. It is the fact that I am tired and unmotivated and sluggish and depressed when I don't get to the gym. Physical activity (or lack thereof) has a direct impact on my spirits. Given that I am going through one of the hardest transitions of my life, I am not at all surprised that I am feeling a down, but I really do need to take better care of myself.

Having said all of that, I can report another half pound has gone missing from my rear. Yup. I am down to 150.5 lbs and 1.5 pounds from goal. I toyed with the idea of buying myself a super-huge MP3 player as a reward for hitting my goal weight, but looks like I am giving myself a new life instead.

Oh, and for all you race fans, here is the latest result in my efforts to move the car:

Move The Car...

Yeah, I have hit 151 pounds. Which means that I only have 2 pounds to go to reach goal. The fact that I am losing anyting at all is due to my continued awareness and restriction of my food intake and has nothing to do with fitness. I am about to change that, though. Yes. Believe it. I am off to the gym (75/200). But first let's move the car.

Fast Forwarding Standing Still...

I am still not going to the gym. I still weigh 151.5 lbs. I am still in the process of going through a divorce. I feel like I am standing still. But life is on fast forward. I am dealing with attorneys and court dates and divvying up our art. It seems somewhat surreal. If surreal means super-real and unreal all at the same time.

Soap Box Of The Day: Oh, and what if your child had a disability and you found out that the disability was caused by something that is completely preventable and that someone knew that potential before your child was injured and they chose not to tell anyone and now it is too late for your child - and about 1% of the children born since 1991 - and now they are working to make sure that those children never get their day in court under the auspices of national security and no one seems to care except a few parents and scientists who know the truth when ultimately thousands of children could be affected and not be given the antidote until it is too late because some very powerful people are embarrassed/afraid that they will be held responsible and so they are rushing to cover their asses and ship the stuff to China under the guises of "humanitarian aide" when it should be called "bioterrorism" because Chinese children shouldn't be given this stuff any more than American children but we are doing it anyway because we have figured out that people buy into this "better them than me" shit and won't do anything to stop it? Yeah, it is one hell of a run-on sentence, but when you are fucking angry and sad and disillusioned, who cares about punctuation?

It is just a theory, but China is going to hate us. It isn't going to be pretty when a fifth of the world's population finds out that we screwed them. On purpose. Just don't say you weren't warned.

Yeah, No...

So, you think you have a handle on what makes your body lose or gain weight. So, you track those things and tweak them to maximize the subtraction from the poundage. And you plateau. So then you hit a marshmallow-filled holiday (say, Halloween) and eat your age in s'mores and the next thing you know you have dropped another half a pound.

Makes you want to say things like, "What the hell? I think I will just eat my face off and lose those last couple of pounds." But you know that it is really the diet gods playing tricks on you. It is the mantra of the season, afterall. Trick-or-treat. It looks like I get both.

Don't tell the diet gods that I haven't been to the gym. They might see fit to give me flat abs just to mess with my mind.

Oh - and it is time to move the car. Vrrrooooommmm...

No Tricks there.

Given Everything Going On...

The fact that I can move the car seems somehow of very little import. Well, except for the fact that it makes my son happy. Oh, and it means I am only 3 pounds from goal. And, yes, it is a sign that I am still taking care of myself as I struggle through this period of my life. So, maybe it isn't such a tiny deal after all. So, let's see where a half-pound loss puts the car.

Yup. I weight 152 pounds. Never mind that it took me 3 days to lose 3 pounds and then 3 weeks to lose another half pound. Never mind that I was hoping to hit goal by Halloween. Well, if I can lose 3 pounds in 3 days, I could still, theoretically, hit goal by then - but I ain't countin' on it. As Jules pointed out, I am very close to goal, have an optimal BMI and look and feel pretty great about where I am.

I do think I will aim a little lower than 149 lbs, though. Probably another 10 pounds lower. That puts me at 10 pounds over my college weight. I know there was a study about adult weight gain that said that 11 pounds of gain over the course of your adult life is the upper limit. I am taking that seriously. I will say that at 129, I was rain-thin and really don't want to get that small. So, 149 is good but 139 will be my next target. I figure then that the 4 pound fluctuations I do through the month will still keep me under 145. 145 will be my "OMG I should probably run an extra mile" number.

All of this babbling to avoid the real topic of my thoughts. The appointment with the attorney went fine. We have everything nailed down but one last number. You know the number. Yeah, that would be the child support. My wasband is self-employed, and as such is hard to pin down when it comes to income. But, I am officially not going to worry about it. I am perfectly capable of taking care of my children. If we can't come to an agreement, the courts will make a decision. It is not within my control. So, I am not going to spend energy attempting to control something that I cannot.

Having said that, I am off to do the things I can control. Namely, taking care of my kids, eating properly, getting some form of exercise, and doing my homework for Marketing. Eight months from now I will have my Bachelor's. The timing of this split will not derail my dreams. So there.

Crickets...

Judging from the overwhelming number of comments, the details of my life outside of shedding pounds and running to nowhere are of little interest to the folks who frequent the MegaChallenge. There would have been a time I would have chosen one of two courses: stopped talking about my life or to have taken it personally and moped for a week.

Well, this isn't that time.

I really have nothing to report in the fitness quest. I have maintained a 152.5 lb weight for two weeks. Not exactly stellar if you are trying to weigh less than that - but not a bad effort when you are close to maintenance.

In divorce news, I meet with my attorney tomorrow afternoon. In some ways it can't come quickly enough. In others, it feels like it is all blazing by faster than I can process it all.

Fall. The Season of Corn Mazes and Attorneys...

In an attempt to bring some semblance of normalcy to our children's lives, my wasband and I headed out to visit a local pumpkin patch. It is a decent hike out there, and there are two main ways to get there; via interstate or via curvy surface roads. Of course, our lives being the mixed up weirdness that they are, we took the curvy path. Funky weird thing is that it is the same route that my dad took to get to the church the day we got married.

As I mentioned, it is a hike out there, so we don't often drive past this particularly scenic church - and I hadn't seen it in several years. So, how perfect is it that as we approach the place where this marriage started that my attorney called me to discuss arranging our divorce?? Yeah. It really happened exactly that way.

We made it to the farm without ripping each other apart. As a matter of fact, so far there is very little ugliness going on. Which, come to think of it, is a nice change from our normal routine. Maybe it is the fact that we have both given up. Maybe it is the fact that we are too sad to fight about it. I dunno. Regardless, so far there has been less bickering over the details of our divorce than there generally is over which rellies get to see us over the holidays.

The pumpkin patch was lovely. It is (finally) cold enough outside that it feels like fall. So, we were all bundled up in sweaters and jackets for the hay ride out. The kids each chose the very best pumpkin from the rows and rows and rows of options. To top it off, the farm has a corn maze - not a terribly elaborate one, but curvy and confusing enough to excite the sub-8-year-old crowd. We spent the better part of an hour (73/200) weaving and backtracking through the stalks until we found the exit.

Hmmmm. An overly-obvious metaphor? Perhaps. But walking out of that maze felt quite a bit like walking away from this marriage. While I enjoyed some of the mystery, excitement, and surprises of the time in the maze, I was really happy to get out into the open field in the end. After all, there is only so much weaving and backtracking you can do before you begin feeling a little confused and claustrophobic.

Running to Nowhere...

I think I am beginning to understand how hamsters must feel on those little wheels. I finally made it back to the gym and spent some time with the elliptical trainer (72/200). If it weren't for the fact that it removes layers of fat from my ass it would be such a ridiculous waste of time. Frankly, it probably is even with the physical benefits, but I am too *me* to do something else. So, I am sticking with it.

It sort of makes a nice metaphor for my life, though. I have spent the past 10 (12?) years of my life running to nowhere. Sure, I have given birth and partially raised two children, completed all but 20 hours of my degree, read books, prayed, worked on my own emotional health, and stuff along those lines. But, I have also spent an enormous amount of time and energy trying to stay connected to someone who just doesn't get it - in order to be a healthy couple, you have to work on being healthy individuals. One person can't make it all work out for the other.

So, yeah, I am pretty sad about the fact that we are breaking apart. And I have spent plenty of nights wondering if I could have done anything else/differently/better to have made everything work out. But, I can't help but hope that this divorce will be my chance to make my life into something more than it has been. To this point, I have been defined by my relationships to other people - and obviously I will still be a mom, sister, friend, daughter - but I am looking forward to getting to know who I am - authentically, without the pressures to fit into someone else's picture of who I should be. This is probably the ultimate MegaChallenge. It somehow feels easier and safer to perform an assigned role than to branch out and try something new - however poorly the assigned role actually fits.

So, here's to getting off of the hamster wheel and discovering my own path. But I am sticking with the elliptical trainer at the gym - for now - I can only manage one major life change at a time.

Still Here...

But in a disjointed, out-of-body sort of way. Lots going on emotionally that I just can't put into words.

Nothing much going on in the health and fitness department - though I did walk a couple of times this week (70 and 71/200). Fall weather is my favorite - so I will probably do more walking than gymming until it turns cold.

Someone wrote that getting a divorce was like ripping your veins out. I have never done the latter - but I would tend to agree. Of course, there is a part of me that is looking forward to life without my wasband. Right now that life seems really far away.

I am really craving a sleeve of Ore0s. Of course, I am using all my powers of resistance to avoid any such purchase - but don't think that the thought hasn't plagued me quite a bit. I don't want to lose track of my goal: a healthy, happy Gina. Ore0s aren't in that picture. Really. Not even one sleeve.

Creme Brulée... well, that's a completely different discussion.

For Those Keeping Score at Home...

I have taken a day off from my pound-a-day loss trend. The scale said the same thing today as it did yesterday: 152.5. How odd that it is somehow a relief to not lose weight for a day. Yeah, I am the same woman who was bitching endlessly about being stuck at 159. What can I say? I am fickle that way.

Anyone want to place bets on how long it takes me to panic that I am not dropping weight?

Whodda Thunk...

That divorce would the be secret to rapid weight loss? Okay, maybe it isn't. Maybe I am finally letting go of those pounds my body was holding on to during the stuck-at-159 stretch. Regardless, I have dropped 3 pounds this week and can't claim to have exercised other than taking a long walk (69/200) yesterday.

As this morning's scale visit revealed a 152.5, it is time to move the car, again.

I feel like I am driving without brakes. Great if you are trying to move a little graphic ticker car representing your weight loss. Bad if you are trying to coast through the mountains of doubt that come with a major life change.