The MegaChallenge 200

The MegaChallenge 200 Has Moved...

2011-05-28T12:01:00.002-04:00

It's here now.

Come visit. :)

Thanks!
Gina ;~}

Unifying the Challenge

2011-05-28T11:58:00.001-04:00

Hey folks:

Writing posts on The MegaChallenge 200 got me through some of the largest and most intense transitions of my life. I lost some serious weight back in 2005 while returning to grad school, ending my first marriage, and homeschooling my kids. Over the next 6 years, I rediscovered my happiness and my purpose.

Part of being happy and on purpose is feeling like your life is somewhat in the flow, but my online life has become a disjointed collection of idea silos. I have disability-related sites, art-related sites, my inclusion blog, my all-things-gratitude blog, and this long-time friend, too.

I’m in the initial week of building my first-ever, authentically-me, including-my-really-real name website. The catchy blog titles and URLs -- like Happy and Included -- that I’ve created previously seemed too specific and narrow when I wanted to talk about something new — do I really want to create a whole new site every time I see something shiny? So I decided that I wanted a site with my name on it. If it’s an online extension of Gina, let’s just call it that.

Once I got past the “It’s conceited to name a site after yourself.” hang up, I began thinking about what I wanted my site to reflect — about me, about my life, about my professional strengths, about the stuff you can’t pay me enough to do, about my passions, and about the stuff that just irritates the fire out of me.

So, in a nod to a more holistic approach to my online presence, I'm moving The MegaChallenge 200 to www.ginalynette.com. I'm just about to blog about Workout 3/200. I hope you'll come on over and check it out.

With abundant gratitude,

Gina ;~}

And This Is Where We Begin... Again...

2011-05-22T11:17:00.000-04:00

Workout 1 on the new elliptical trainer is on the books.

36:41 minutes -- 4092 strides -- 301.1 calories

I do love me some numbers.

But even more than that, I love me some progress. So it feels kind of strange to be starting back at 1 almost exactly 6 years after this MegaChallenge got started. But... here I am.

The good news is that I'm not doing a complete rewind. I haven't regained all of the weight I lost 6 years ago (and kept off successfully for another 4 years). I'm starting out about 10 - 15 pounds lighter than last time. I'm also starting out much wiser and -- um -- 6 years older. This means I know what works for me and what doesn't and what needs to change to get my body into decent shape -- even if my 40 year old self knows that it isn't ever going to be 20 again.

I also know that the scale and my jean size don't measure my progress. My stamina and ability to say yes to the things I want to do are what actually matter.

Being happy. Feeling good.

Those are my ROI categories as I restart this quest to exercise on a regular basis.

So, why the home version of the elliptical trainer -- besides the fact that walking and dieting aren't what keeps my butt fitting in my wardrobe? Because it means:

I don't have to wait 20 minutes for a turn on the gym version
No one will tell me that I only get 30 minutes to do my 70-minute workout.
I get to sing out loud. (I love singing while I work out!)
I get to be in my home -- which I love, love, love.
It eliminates the drive to the gym and back.
My kids get to do what they actually want to do while I work out rather than my being called 14 times to deal with an issue in the childcare area (only to re-start my wait for a machine.)
I get to sing out loud. (I love cranking up the stereo and singing!)
I get to enjoy my runs to nowhere without being forced to watch shows that gross me out on screens all over the room.
My own private shower -- complete with my soaps, scrubs, shampoos, and soft towels -- is only steps away.
I get to sing out loud. (I may even take up singing in the shower, too!)

Ahhhh. Happy and feeling good.

Bringing it Home...

2011-05-19T10:24:00.000-04:00

Believe it or not, it has been months since I last ran to nowhere.

My life is a scrambled egg of kids and work and homeschooling and grad schooling and partnership with my hubby and, well, somehow the gym doesn't get on my schedule much. At all. Ever. Unless, of course, it is to take some complement of this crew to the pool.

I don't get on the machines.

Ever.

Ever.

Instead, I'm walking our 80-pound collie twice a day and eating pretty well and sleeping pretty well and managing to creep back up the scale. Because, as we learned in my initial post on ye ole blog, unless I'm doing something incredibly sweat-inducing, my metabolism will not budge.

Ever.

I've had an elliptical trainer on my wishlist since about the time I last bought a swimsuit. It's really the only reason (besides access to the pool) that I pay for a membership to the gym. Yes, I've done the math over the past 10 (15) years of working out at the gym and know I could have bought 4 elliptical machines with those membership fees. But I've watched folks turn treadmills into clothing racks and didn't want to end up doing the same thing.

Ever.

Ever.

It's time. So, I scoured the ads and picked what I wanted and called up a guy who will have to figure out what to do with his clothes now that I'm adopting his elliptical-trainer-cum-clothing-rack for my own home gym.

The machine arrives this weekend. Hopefully it marks the rekindling of my long-term-love affair with running to nowhere... and perhaps even -- I know! -- blogging.

A Blast from the Past...

2010-12-02T15:18:00.005-05:00

Several years ago (approximately three posts in Gina's Blog Time) I mentioned that I had reconnected with my paternal clan after a couple of decades without contact. It was kind of a strange feeling that. I've known and been connected to these folks my entire life and knew a little more than nothing about them.

Remember those reunion episodes that every talk show hosted about once a month through the 80s and 90s? Well, I watched those with special interest because my magical thinking brain kept telling me, "Someday you may have to break down and call Donahue/Jerry/Oprah to get your family back. You need to know how this works."

Well, I didn't have to invite the entire planet to my family reunion, but that doesn't mean that the magical thinking stopped there. What you typically saw on those shows was a tearful reunion with lots of hugging and crying and some sense that everyone would leave the set and be the Brady Bunch and live Happily Ever After. The End.

Um. I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't seem to work that way. And, as much as I love to read, I haven't found a manual that explains how it is supposed to work. What I have found is that regardless of your best intentions and your desire to find common ground, this whole rebuilding-a-family-from-scratch thing is hard work.

As part of that process, I sent one of my sisters a link to this blog. I thought it might give her some insight into the person I am, what I care about, and how I got to this point in my life. It was pretty terrifying to open up in this way. Yes, this is a public blog, but there seems to be a difference between writing for strangers and having someone you actually (sort of) know and (truly) love reading your rants about strangers hogging the gym machines.

So, after I sent the link, I came back and read through my posts... if only to know what I'd just newly shared with my sister.

And then I got kind of nostalgic about this space.

As I've posted before, I haven't deleted this blog for several reasons -- most of them based in my desire to have a record of the weight-loss-turned-life-change process I detailed here. But I still feel the pull to chronicle the shifts in my life in a more expansive way than my daily facebook status updates.

Hmmmmmm.

And then I think, do I want to be open in this way, again... still?

When did I become so afraid?

Why am I hesitating?

There is resistance here and desire, too, and that tension has me thinking that I need to spend some time thinking about . . .

Whoa!

And then just like that, it hits me...

I'm turning 40 in a couple of months. This year has been another transition year -- new house, new school, new certifications, new contracts -- but it's also been incredibly redundant.

I'm afraid that I'm still stuck in that same space I was in when I started down this road. Yes, I am still a PollyAnna (and have the badge to prove it). Yes, I believe in balance and dreams and love and hope.

But here recently, there has been a sour voice talking back. "Life is hard." "People don't change." "You're lost."

Where did that come from?

Oh. NO! The balloon poppers are winning!!!

This has to stop.

There is this place tucked way back in the farthest, dustiest corners of my brain where I put the icky stuff. The real reasons I stopped being a part of my paternal clad hide back there along with being teased in the 3rd grade, the taste of black licorice, images of horror films, and everything I ever learned about life insurance. I dealt with -- and healed from -- those events through years of therapy, journaling, ice cream cones, and forgiveness.

As I work to reconnect with my sister, there is some sense that I'm supposed to explain all of this. Why I believe what I believe. How I got to be this person. What I was thinking over that 21 year absence.

And I don't want to.

Not because I have anything to hide but because I'm tired of retreading that ground. I want to be here. Now. In this moment. Not rehashing 40 years of decisions, events, and transitions.

When you share pieces of your life history with someone who wasn't there, it is typically done as a "getting to know you" exercise. It is done in the context of shared interests or some other common connection. So, when someone asks me about my kids in the context of their diagnoses because they have a kid with a diagnosis, there is probably some interest in learning what I've learned so that they can apply those hard lessons in their own life. Or maybe we're just commiserating or even celebrating.

The point is that there is an exchange of finite information that makes sense in the context, and that whether or not this person agrees with my choices, they aren't likely to get under my skin either way. There isn't an urge to justify myself.

I'm learning that it isn't this way with "family" regardless of how long you've been gone. There is some emotional pull there. An expectation. An ability to hurt without intention because it isn't a clean slate regardless of how guileless you are trying to keep the interactions.

I think I've allowed myself to start believing the rumors about me. The mumble cussing about my intentions has gotten loud enough for me to hear but is not blatant enough for me to address directly. So the sour voice has worked it's way into my brain without my awareness. It's time to kick it out.

Here's what I know to be true (to borrow a line from Oprah): I don't play games. I don't do politics. I tell the truth. I avoid peril. I laugh lots. If I say, "I love you," I mean it. If a relationship gets damaged I'll do just about anything to reconcile it. At some point, when I've exhausted every idea I have to make it right, or I feel rejected or unwanted, I'll walk away. I'm learning to balance being open with protecting myself. I used to give my all, but I'm learning to hold some aside for me. I am always surprised when someone is upset with me because I spend about 99% of my energy trying to make others happy. I don't have an agenda. I'm striving to be my authentic self everywhere I go.

It only took me 39 years, 10 months and a couple of days to get here. Thank goodness I'm a quick study, huh?

So, back to pointing forward. I feel another transition year coming...

But aren't they all?

Setting The Big Goals...

2009-11-04T07:54:00.004-05:00

After years of seeing the "coincidences" of my life come together to form gorgeous synergies, it should be old hat by now.

It isn't.

A little background first: over the past couple of years, I have managed to gradually add 15 - 20 pounds back to my frame. There are lots of causes... the world's most stressful job, several life-altering emergencies, a happy marriage, and lack of focus on my health as I moved through all of these events.

After months of thinking about it, I managed to get past the precontemplation stage and made it to the gym. ::taking bow:: My hope is to get back into the habit of paying attention to my body... exercising, relaxing, eating what nourishes me.

This stage of thinking and planning over the past several months wasn't simply about my health. It involved gestating several other crossroads initiatives. And the entire time I am working out all of these details, I am feeling a pull to something bigger.

So where's the synergy?

As I sit on my gorgeous sun porch and work on a variety of projects -- all while watching the birds and deer and turkeys wander by -- the realization that I am connected to this beautiful planet through more than my laptop keeps poking at me. But how? What project? Where do I put my energies?

I go to my facebook account to check on my pokes and farms and see an invitation from my high school chum, Joseph Phillips. He's been all giddy for weeks about an project launch of his, and rightfully so.

10 Goals 2010

Joseph's new project is all about the little ways we contribute to the bigger stuff. He has way more information over at 10 Goals 2010 at the Lifelong Project but the gist is this:

Be kind.

Do good work.

Help others.

Make friends.

Encourage.

Give your time.

Give love.

Achieve goals.

Share.

So, Joseph, old pal, I love this idea. I'll spend some time contemplating how these goals get integrated into my daily routine. Perhaps this is the next phase of the MegaChallenge 200. My impulse is to say I'll attempt to integrate each of these goals into my yearly 200-times-gets-me-there mentality. I don't know how that would look yet.

My first goal is to figure that out.

Silence Doesn't Indicate Inertia...

2009-04-02T14:39:00.002-04:00

I love this blog. I know it is hard to tell that from the long absences--okay, complete neglect--over the past couple of years, but I do!

When I started the MegaChallenge, I was some 39 (50) pounds overweight, living in a marriage that threatened my life, working on my degree, homeschooling my kids, and in need of a place where I could "talk" without being edited. It was an act of courage--actually several, since it took multiple tries to get logged on to blog spot--that started this blog. When I wrote that very first entry I honestly had no idea whether anyone would read it.

Then something amazing happened. People did read it, but that wasn't the real magic. The real magic was finding other people who were in the same boat. No, not identical boats--just similar ones. There were these other bloggers who were also losing weight, but the pounds weren't actually the point. Life was the point. They were exploring that question that seems to manifest itself from some common place in us all--"Why are we here?"

Of course, the answers varied widely. They had to. How could Allan--an admitted foodie and a food broker from NYC--maintain his sanity as he made his attempt to lose weight while handling the most decadent of foods all day every day? How could Renee drop the pounds while carrying around her self-doubts? How would Trish bounce back from a post-tummy-tuck weight gain while she juggled her responsibilities and the ones she took on for her family? How would Shawna hold up under media scrutiny when her weight-loss blog and book made her famous?

Sure, we were all talking about weight and diet and exercise and scales, but they weren't the only common themes. Other A-Has emerged as we blogged.

Balance -- Maintenance -- Relationships -- Goals --Celebration

Those are the topics of larger conversations. Yeah, I lost weight and worked out and wrote about it on this blog. But I also transformed my life, found balance, improved my relationships, set brand new goals, and celebrated successes of all sorts!

I thought about deleting the MegaChallenge when I co-created Blissification with my long-time, off-line friend, Christine. Blissification is all about what I am up to now: helping folks find their bliss. But I paused on the delete link. Maybe the MegaChallenge still has its purpose. If I am telling someone that they can be happy and all they see is the current Gina--the one who lives on 6 acres in a gorgeous part of the world, with a wonderfully supportive husband, a job she loves, and kids all around, and who is regularly called, "PollyAnna"--will they believe I have any idea what they are going through?

So, the MegaChallenge stays so that if at some point someone wants to know how I got from where I was to where I am, I can point them here.

And, who knows? At some point this 10 extra pounds that I have been carrying around for the past year might become something I want to eliminate. When I get past the precontemplation stage, this is exactly where I want to record that journey.

The Wonders of Walking...

2008-08-09T22:00:00.000-04:00

The workout thing keeps not happening. Well, not the kind that occurs indoors on a piece of equipment.

However, upon review of the original MegaChallenge Regulations, I am reminded that it wasn't about working out on a piece of gym equipment--it was about moving. So, in spite of the fact that the stationary bike in the basement is doing a superlative job of the stationary part of its title, I managed to get in a workout. We walked 5 miles (14/200) on a gorgeous trail this morning.

I have to give kudos to municipalities that take the time/money/effort to design and build green spaces into their plans. Our new hometown has gone to incredible lengths to put in all sorts of walking/jogging/bike paths. They run along rivers and through shady areas and near parks and by the library. Truly lovely.

I am not counting the very long stroll we took through an art festival this evening. Yes, it was movement and technically counts. However, I got more of a workout laughing out loud at the amazing hula hooping going on at one of the booths than I did from the walk.

Food? I was stellar. We packed a bag of water and healthy snacks for both excursions. We ate our meals at home. I didn't even glance at the funnel cakes and other fried fair fare.

All in all it was a wonderful day.

Whoa! Two Days in a Row...

2008-08-08T14:35:00.002-04:00

Blogging that is.

Don't panic. I didn't like go all wild and work out or anything.

I haven't completely neglected my fitness quest, though. Ye ole fitday account is re-up and running. So, check one item off of the "To Procrastinate" list.

One of my excuses is that I took my kids to meet their new teachers*. I am already in love with both classroom teachers and the support staff promises to be equally amazing. B's teacher has a sign that says, "A quiet classroom is not an indication of learning." I'll buy that!

I always loved going back to school. New pencils and notebooks have always been my thing! And it was always nice to have a fresh start.

I am kinda looking at this re-focus on the MegaChallenge in the same way.

Oh--and in case you are wondering about the weight gain thang, here's the deal. And I swear on an elliptical trainer that it is the absolute truth.

My scale was off. Seriously. I was in "maintenance" so I would pop onto the scale like once a week or so. If it was under 149, I was cool. Sometime after my sweet boy moved in, the scale developed a crack--so Marchish?--and my theory is that it stopped telling me the truth.

I was traveling all over the place, working about a million hours a week (give or take), under a truckload of stress, and eating out 2 meals a day. So, I knew I was at risk for some gainage, but I didn't really have time to think about it much. After a while I broke down and bought another scale--and that is when I discovered the deception. If it had been a couple of pounds different, I would have chalked it up to calibration or something. But 10 pounds was a rude awakening. Gah!

So, my little scale-enhanced denial party is over. I am heavier than I want to be. Not a huge amount, but more than I would drop without some focused effort.

The good news is that I know I can get back on track and that I didn't let it get way out of hand.

Now, to get the shoes laced up and downstairs to the bike.

Soon.

*Can you believe that school is starting already?? Wasn't there supposed to be some correlation between back-to-school and fall? Thought so!

And Just Like That an Entire Year Passes...

2008-08-07T14:46:00.003-04:00

No, I didn't fall completely off of the planet.

I took a job that involved working for an organization that required that I curtail a significant portion of my advocacy/openness/personality. I learned a whole boatload of new skills, made a couple of terrific friends, and discovered that I am much happier when I can openly share what I think and who I am.

So, to catch you up on a whole year's worth of events, we'll do the bullet list trick.

I nearly died on August 6, 2007. Yep, on B's 9th birthday. Bad timing. Emergency surgery on August 7, 2007 saved me. My best friend nursed me back to health for weeks. I'm all better now.
I discovered a job opening, interviewed, and was hired between August 16 and September 17, 2007. It was exactly what I hoped for and not what I expected at all. Funny that.
I moved everything we own a couple of hundred miles over the course of September and October 2007. (See job.) We now live on 6+ acres in a gorgeous part of the world.
My photo was chosen for the cover of the Breaking Ground Arts issue in September 2007.
My kids went back to public school in October 2007. (See job. See move.) I relearned all I wanted to forget about Special Education--but discovered that some districts actually want to make it work for everyone.
I gained a "significant other" in March--or so. He was significant before. Now he lives here. I suppose that makes him super-significant, right?
Our--his and my together--co-created artwork was exhibited for 2 months in a "solo" (except that we are 2 people) show at our city hall from April - June 2008. It was a surreal experience walking in and seeing 25 pieces of our soul lining the walls of a public building.
I attended my 6th MegaConference in June 2008.
My son turned 10 on August 6, 2008. Yes! A decade!
I gained about 10ish pounds over the course of the year. Stress eating (See job. See move. See kids in school. See incredible cook aka significant other moving in.) does that to me. It's time to get that gone.

So, sports fans, it is time to get back on the MegaChallenge Bandwagon. I still like the 200 workouts in a year deal. I still like basing it on the MegaConference schedule. That means I would have to kick some major pre-contemplation into gear and get a move on.

We installed a workout room in our basement--so I literally have no excuses for not working out. Well, not any that hold water.

I am also thinking that keeping track of the stuff I eat via fitday would be a good idea.

I am doing a whole lot of thinking.

Time for some doing!

Getting Older Rocks...

2007-08-04T10:38:00.000-04:00

Remember when you were a little kid and you were so excited to get older that you corrected people who said you were five when you were really five and a half??

When did you stop counting the half years? When did it stop being cool to get older?

My son is turning 9 on Monday and is all about his new age. He likes it so much that he has been trying it out for weeks. "Yeah, I am almost 9." "When I am 9 I am going to have my own computer." "9 year olds don't have to go to bed at the same time as their sisters, right Mom?" No hanging on to the last vestiges of being 8 for him.

Yet, I have so many friends who do that 29/39/49 and holding thing that I have to wonder what it is about aging that makes us want to go into such denial that we will actually pick a year and stick with it.

I get the mortality thing--that for many getting older represents that slow march toward death. I suppose if you are paying attention to the news, the constant images of age-related disease and disability could be a little disconcerting. If you look at it that way, it makes perfect sense that you would want to convince yourself that it ain't gonna happen to you because you have no intention of moving from this spot thankyouverymuch!

Maybe it is because I love who I am at 36 and wouldn't choose to relive any of my past. Maybe it is because I hang out with people who are older than I am and they seem to be having so much fun. Maybe it is because I have been called a baby by someone at every age I have ever been* and am looking forward to the age when that stops. Maybe I am the one in denial and don't choose to see the correlation between birthdays and illness.

Regardless, I love getting older. I love adding days to my calendar and reams to my memories.

Ultimately, I think it has more to do with being okay with who I am right this moment while also looking forward to the next iteration of Gina. It is like a birthday every moment with the gift being the discovery of what growth and delight and deepening and love and joy I get to play with now.

So, here's to birthdays and half birthdays and 127/365ths birthdays. Make a wish and blow out your candles. It's your birthday and getting older rocks!

*You know how it goes: "Oh, you are (fill in age here)?? You are still a baby!!" What is it about that dismissive statement that makes me want to do violence??

Watch this...

2007-07-06T08:36:00.000-04:00

Twice!!

Walgreen's is doing something right!

Love it!

(And I haven't forgotten about the MegaChallenge 210... back soon with an update!)

The MegaChallenge 210

2007-06-03T21:44:00.000-04:00

We just wrapped up another MegaConference--and it was fantastic! About 1000 people were there (this number--uncharacteristically for me--is accurate) learning, networking, and eating gobs of buffet-style food.

As I reconnected with the folks who inspired me to undertake the MegaChallenge a couple of years ago, it occurred to me just how far down my priority list physical fitness has fallen. Yeah, I am still below goal weight. And I even manage to take long walks and work out a couple of times a month.

But it ain't enough.

So, we have officially re-issued the MegaChallenge. Only this time the stakes are higher as is the goal. Last time we did it for the glory--and there was some of that--but we didn't actually complete the workouts. We haven't decided what carrot we are chasing, yet. That's still up for discussion. We have determined the benchmark. You ready? We will complete 210 workouts before the next MegaConference. (Of course, if you read the title, you already knew that.)

So, for all y'all who want to jump on board, here's your chance! What do you need to do? I dunno--maybe sign up in the comments? If we get significant interest (as defined by me--it is my blog, right??) I may even approach Renee over at Fatfighters about posting our progress there or some such.

Who knows? The MegaChallenge 210 may become the tipping point that turns the trend to obesity on it's cream-filled head.

A girl can dream.

Stuck Under a Pile of Laundry...

2007-05-25T01:14:00.000-04:00

Send help!

I know everyone has to deal with laundry. Well, I suppose there are folks who toss aside their just-doffed clothing with the expectation that the Laundry Fairy (be it mom, wife, butler, or actual magical nymph) will remove it, clean it, dry it, fold it, and return it to the drawer where it belongs. Ignoring those folks (two of whom live in this house) the rest of us have this issue on an on going basis.

Gina, are you seriously going to do a blog post on laundry?

Why not??

Well, you have only posted like 4 times in the past 4 months. Couldn't you update us on something a little more--well, exciting??

All right! Okay! Enough about the 8 loads (count 'em!) I did today. We'll talk about something else. I was on a roll, though. Laundry happens to be a big deal around here.

Oh! The magazine with my rant about that Combating Autism Act came out. Of course, they deleted all of my exclamation points and question marks and sighs and acks and it reads like a research paper--but it is in print. (Why do editors do that??? They get all excited about a piece and beg you to let them publish it and then strip it of everything that made it yours to begin with...) You can see it here. Scroll down to pages 12-13.

We are also on the cover--along with several pics I took during our last lobbying trip to DC. They put more of my shots inside around a piece written by another family that went on the same trip. It seems I am a photo-journalist, too! Whoda thunk?

And as long as I am "outing" myself by giving you a link to the magazine--which contains pics of me and my child along with my real name--I might as well add a picture to my profile and include a link to my other* website. Sure, some might see it as shameless self-promotion. They obviously don't know me very well.

So, there you have it. I have morphed into a laundry-doing, homeschooling, photo-journalist, author, webmistress, blogging, life coach.

Heavy on the laundry.

*Y'all have had a link to untangleautism.org on the sidebar for over a year. If you google "autism" and "iep" my little site will come up first--and I have done nothing to promote it evah... kah-cha!! Just goes to show what having a site sit there for 6 years can do. LOL

Sorry, Ma'am, It Must Be Your Modem...

2007-05-16T19:05:00.000-04:00

I have been online since before $Prodigy had graphics. Yeah. I was one of those nerdy girls who get all BBSed up at the turn of the 90s and shared lists of CDs with people who lived across town.

In the process of going from local BBS to $P to GNN to AOHell (who coopted my GNN account through some deal with Satan) to Mindspring to Earthlink (who did a similar thing to my Mindspring account--and I still think they should have become MindLink... I'm just sayin'!) to DSL to Cable I have dealt with a tech or two or three.

I have to say that as much as I love having lickity-split cable access to y'all, and a wireless router that allows me to talk to y'all from anywhere on my expansive property (don't get excited, you can walk it in under a minute), I am not fond of dealing with the cable company when things go wrong.

Why's that, Gina?

Because they have like 40 silos of "service" and none of them know a hootie patootie about anything else.

After the 95th price increase in a week, I called to see why I couldn't get TV and Internet for less than a decent car payment and, Lo, the clouds parted and they discovered that if I added a phone to my TV/Internet package they could bundle my services and knock $40 off of my bill. NO lie. It went from $129 to $89 a month--but only if I agreed to let them install a land line.

I haven't had a land line since before we figured out that Y2K was just a ruse to get all of the retired techies from the 60s back into the cubicles. So, although I didn't know what I would do with unlimited anytime minutes (as long as I didn't leave my expansive property--so claustrophobic, no??) I caved and let them roll a truck.

Well, a month later the phone guy shows up and does some magic and wha la the 40 year old phone lines are talking to my cable line and people can call my house and leave me voice mail and then call my cell phone and say, "I tried calling you at home and didn't get you there, so I figured I'd try you mobile." (I have a log book of calls so that I can compare time stamps and make sure that the message from Margaret is really one I should return and not three gave-up-and-reached-me-on-the-cell-phone attempts ago.)

Woot!

Only... sit down... now my TV and Internet are for shit. No kidding. I can't get On Demand. (What will I do without 24 hour access to Noggin?? No seriously!) One TV gets no signal at all. The cable boxes all say it is 12 noon. I can't send an email. I can't post on my blog. I can't surf. Forget updating my websites.

So, I have spent about 80 hours on my new land line begging my cable company to pretty please return me to my real virtual life. Only they can't. See, the phone guy evidently screwed something up when he cast the spell that made my cable talk to my household wiring. But since the phone is working fine they can't fix the other problems.

So, fine. I call the "Internet Division" and repeat my tale of woe. They tell me it is a phone problem--after all it all went wrong when he came out, right? Um, okay. But aren't you guys like related or something? Nope--different division. Sorry, let me transfer you.

So I talk to the phone people again.

And, again they mute the headset and laugh their asses off and then come back and tell me that I'll have to talk to the TV people.

And I call the TV people--who I swear are the very same people in the Internet Division, only they pretend to be completely new people--and I give them my 19 digit customer number, my 64 digit serial number from the cable box, my phone number, the ISBN off of the book I am reading, and three redemption codes from the My Coke Rewards program--just to make nice--and they say, "Hang on. I am going to transfer you to the automated agent."

And before I can say, "WTF??" I am off into some digitized version of troubleshooting hell.

Claire and I are best friends now. But it wasn't always that way. It took a while for me to get used to her saying over and over, "I'm sorry. That isn't a valid entry. Choose from the following menu," before I was able to bond with her.

She asked me about a bazillion questions including whether my TV was on channel 3 and my cable box was really powered off and my VCR was recording Dukes of Hazard reruns, and my watch was set to daylight savings time and my teeth were flossed. I only threw the phone once.

Eventually, I was able to convince Claire that I really wasn't faking my lack of a picture. So, she gave me back to the breathing TV people who said, "We can send someone out, ummmmmmm, Tuesday." At this point, a week seemed like a flash, so I jumped on it.

Then a couple of hours later, Claire's saccharin sister, Danielle called to tell me that they would actually be coming by in a few minutes and would that be okay? Um. Lemme think. Yeah?

Five hours later not one but two cable guys showed up at my door. They wandered around and scratched their heads and played with their massive walkie-talkies and pretended that they were solving the problem of cold fusion and came to the conclusion that everything* was working fine except for my modem.

Which is actually their modem that they leased to me until I threatened to sue them for charging me $6 a month for 6 years for a $30 piece of plastic. But, now, according to their records it isn't their problem.

But they would be happy to lease me a new modem.

Thanks.

So, I install a new modem. And the Internet speed test swears on its digital momma that I am blazing along but I still can't send an email or surf or upload my websites.

Oh, and the TV isn't getting a signal because--well, er--because you need a new cable line run from the garage through your neighbor's yard around the moon and back and we just can't do that because we have a subcontractor who does that and he is booked until at least Y3K. Do you want us to give you his number?

Maybe Claire will know what to do.

*According to my thesaurus, "everything" means: an amount or quantity from which nothing is left out or held back. According to the Cable Guys, "everything" means: our little meter says that you are getting a signal. Too bad, so sad if you can't actually see anything on your TV or access the Internet.

Words Never Fail Me...

2007-04-13T23:44:00.000-04:00

My boyfriend (yes, it is official and exclusive and terrifying and very, very good) bandies about his credentials as a writer--and rightfully so--to the point where I sort of forgot that I, too, have been known to put together some sweet syllables on occasion.

I have suddenly rediscovered my penchant for prose as I have tossed off the yoke of higher education*. (Yeah, I said I put together sweet syllables on occasion. At other times, I put together clashing cliches and hide behind my anonymity.) Without volumes of Kirkpatrick to dig through (love him, but his name comes up every 3rd sentence at Joe's Pretty Good Grad School) I have time for all sorts of writing and--gasp--pleasure reading!

There are 40 books on my nightstand. These are my "get to them soon" books. My book purchasing is an illness that I will never even attempt to overcome. I see a book that looks interesting, I buy it. I read the first 75 pages and then get distracted by another pretty cover. It goes on my nightstand. Eventually I am penniless and want something to read, so I go back to one of the toss offs and re-discover why I bought it. Eventually I finish them all. (Well, except for Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell which was officially thrown across the room at page 640 and left to be walked on for a week until I finally worked up the strength to pick up the 40 pound doorstop and put it on a shelf. Ms Clarke, get thee an editor!)

Anyway. The pile of books seems to grow faster than my children. Which has led me to discover one advantage to being the only adult in the house; no one else can tell you that you have too many of something! It also means that no one moves your stuff--and if they do they are smaller than you and you can bribe them with candy and stickers to get it back.

Keeping in mind those two things (the getting to keep what you want and it staying where you put it) imagine just how juicy it is to re-discover an entire collection of books that you are absolutely dying to read just sitting there beside your bed and actually having the time to read them!

Are you salivating?

Oh! The titles I am cracking (or re-cracking) this month! Everything from The Fabulous Friendship Festival to The Female Brain to The Field to Finding Your Own North Star. Wait. Those are all in the Fs. Just so no one gets the mistaken belief that my nightstand is organized alphabetically... to The Namesake to Why Moms are Weird (Hi, Pamie!!) to Sex, Time, and Power.

I have had a book-a-day habit since 2nd grade (Hi, Mrs. Williams!!) and just feel so blessed to have continued access to this alternate reality. I am working diligently to pass my addiction on to my kids. I suckered them in with picture books before they could hold their heads up. Then we moved on to reading chapter books out loud on car trips and while they played in the floor with their toys. Once I got them hooked, I taught them the code and now they are reading on their own.

If there is anything any sweeter than kissing my children good night, it is hearing my 8-year-old son say as I tuck him in with a biography(!!), "There's nothin' like a good book."

* Grad school is going on the back burner for the moment. The issues I mentioned last fall have never been resolved and have escalated and the school is in a huge upheaval that won't be settled in my lifetime and I am over beating my head against that brick wall. Perhaps another program at another school will be a better fit. Perhaps I should just get off of my ass and get a job. Hey! I might just do it!!

No seriously...

2007-04-04T17:57:00.000-04:00

It has not been two months since my last post!

I have thought all sorts of incredibly important and insightful thoughts. Didn't I post about my 36th birthday party, complete with band and chocolate mousse? No? Well, how about the incredible St Valentine's weekend at the state park covered in snow? Not that either?? Okay, surely I told y'all all about my real, live, paying client that officially kicked off my life coaching business, right? Right???

Oh, guys, I am so sorry!

It seems the more I have to say the less able I am to drop by ye ole blog and say it.

Well, I will tell you that the blog has proven to be slightly beneficial for my writing career. (I didn't even know I had or wanted a writing career!) My rant on the language surrounding the Combating Autism Act was picked up by a magazine. It seems that at least one other person thinks it is high time we think about the language we use when discussing diagnosis and disability. I won't re-rant here. Just wanted to send out a woot! for the record.

And because this entry is officially all over the map and is begging for some sort of cohesiveness, I will end where I began:

As of right now, it has not been two months since my last post.

See y'all in June...

Well, if it shows up in O...

2007-02-07T17:09:00.000-05:00

You know you've made it when you show up in O. You know, that little magazine put out by that lady who seems to have endless ability to influence the world around her?

Well, before you get all excited and send me a comment saying, "But, Gina, I didn't see you in O!!" Lemme point out that, no, I am not exactly in O. Weight loss blogging is in O. And, since I have a weight loss blog (shush, it is, too!! or was... whatever!) I am, by association in O. So there.

Anyway, now that we are all agreed that I am famous and "in" let's move on to the point. Yes, I have a point.

Reistad-Long (the author of the article in O) comes to the conclusion that blogging helps us lose weight (well, duh!) but her explanation as to why totally fit into my whole, "Dream it, Plan it, Say it, Do it" philosophy." She says, "Anyone who has achieved a significant behavior change knows that success is an ongoing process of staying aware and making the right choices."

Change is an act of intention. You want to make the change. You believe the change is possible. You tell others that you are going to make that change. And wha la! You change*! It is a deliberate act of will.

I am living proof. Go back and read my entries. I double dog dare you to. Three major life changes started here... I shaped my overweight form into my (as of this morning) 143 lb comfort zone, I eliminated my wasband from my immediate surroundings, and I discovered my "balance is everything" mantra. And you know what? When I declared that I would lose weight to the whole world and I wrote about it and kept that promise to myself--deliberately--I did it. And when I came to the conclusion that a divorce was the change I needed, same thing. And when I read myself saying, "balance" every other sentence, I recognized that it was a key to my bliss.

Recognizing, as I do, the power of declaration, I want to set other goals and share them here. I know the power of this forum.

But... you knew there was a but...

I have hesitated to transform this blog into a rest-of-my-life blog for several reasons. The main one is that I am somewhat concerned that my still-unstable wasband will find fuel for his indignation here. I don't want to hurt him. He has lots of work to do to find his balance. I tried to help him, but it was beyond my ability (and beyond my responsibility!!) I still hope he will land in his bliss (though so far he has landed just about everywhere else), but I have to make sure I don't give him the power to derail mine.

So, I am trying to figure out how to share what is going on and what I am going to work on and still feel "safe."

Okay. I have said for years that living in fear is not living. My first act of deliberate intent is to declare that my blog is a safe place. I expect the people who visit here to be supportive and caring--just as they always have been. If you are the boogey man, move along. I am sure there is a blog out there for you. This one is for folks who believe, like Richard Feynman, "The key to success is to make people dream."

Here's to living that dream!

*For those of you who are screeching, "Buuuuut Gina, it isn't that eeeeeeasy!!!" I will say again, it is a deliberate act of will. If you have mixed feelings, your results will be mixed. If you are only doing it because your mom, boyfriend, therapist, horoscope, or Oprah says you should, it ain't gonna go very well. You know this. I know this. The universe knows this. Now put down the sleeve of Oreos and get focused on what you want. (And if what you want is the sleeve of Oreos, you will pick them right back up. No judgment... I've done it, too. They are soooo good. especially with really cold milk...)

Rockin' my world 2.0...

2007-02-06T18:42:00.000-05:00

Okay. I lied.

This is the coolest site ever.

Click on "Custom Radio" and put in your favorite artist or song and it will create a radio station just for you.

You can customize it.

You can create stations for your every mood.

You can ban crappy songs from ever playing in your kingdom.

You can plug your laptop into your surround sound system and wonder how you got so lucky as to live in this incredible time.

Life is about to change for you.

Go!!

I'll wait here. It's okay. They're playin' my song...

My fine is $280.50...

2007-01-24T00:28:00.000-05:00

Like TJ over at MPMB, I was a pool pee-er. How the hell do I know that about TJ? Weeeelllll...

There is this little survey floating around Blog Land. If you haven't already done it consider yourself tagged. Leave me a comment so that I can come check out your fine.

Here’s how it works: You don’t have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. (Not per incident!) Tally up your score and post it on your blog with the title… ”My Fine Is…”

Yeah, my total is $280.50. I've heard that isn't so high. I'd better get to work!

Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

Rockin' my world...

2007-01-22T14:25:00.000-05:00

or at least my laptop is this very, very cool interactive and free (for the lo-fi version) online streaming music player.

Go! Right now! Check it out.

Then come back and tell me how amazing it is.

You're gonna thank me.

Decisions, decisions...

2007-01-14T23:01:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am down to 142.5 pounds, but not in a good way. I have lost weight this week because I have stressed myself into a relapse and can't manage to eat anything.

I am the canary in the mine. I see the big picture. I see the problems and cracks and I am probably a little hyper-vigilant. But when I see it coming, I want to warn folks.

"Get out of the way!"

"We gotta change this!"

"This could be so much easier/sweeter/kinder/effective!"

But sometimes--most of the time--they just don't want to hear it. And I can usually let it go.

Unless it directly affects my life in some dramatic way.

Like People First Language.

Well grad school is affecting my life in a dramatic way. The issues with my team got worse--much worse--over the course of the past several weeks and I went to the administration for help. It seems that was the wrong course of action. They don't want to hear it. And I can't let it go.

Without detailing you to death, let's just say that I am seriously considering leaving the program. This sucks for about 64 reasons, not the least of which is that I want this degree, I love the coursework, and I don't know what I am going to do if I drop out.

But I can't live with this kind of stress for another year. It isn't fair to my children. It isn't healthy for me. Life is way too short to go weeks without sleep or eating because folks won't do their part.

Damn it.

15 minutes of effort...

2007-01-03T23:29:00.000-05:00

I am back at my seemingly perpetual task of de-cluttering my world. We are super-blessed around here with generous gift givers and the holidays left us with about thirty million new things to store. Of course, those items all came wrapped in something and were under a tall green something covered in all sorts of sparkly somethings. Now that it is officially "after the holidays" all of those somethings were making me bat wacky and had to get out of here.

But I just couldn't do it.

I am tired. Yes, I will admit it. There are days when I just don't wanna be the grown up! But no one else is volunteering, so up and at 'em!

I don't know where I originally got the idea to do 15 minutes of clutter attack. Perhaps at flylady.net (she can have credit if she likes) or in some book or out of sheer genius. Anyway, it isn't my favorite way to spend a day, but sometimes it is the only way to get moving. How does it work?

Weeeeelllllllll...

When we do it, we pick 3 tasks that seem overwhelming (today: taking down decorations, putting away new stuff, and cleaning the kitchen won) and rotate those with a fourth something that we actually enjoy (a day-long game of Monopoly* won). We set the timer for 15 minutes and jump on task one. When the timer screams, we switch to the next task for the next 15 minutes. This continues 'round and 'round until we finish. Sometimes it takes an hour, others it takes 4.

Anyway, we did manage to get all three tasks done. My daughter kicked our butts at Monopoly. (Seems at a couple of weeks shy of 6 that she relies on the strategy of "buy it all and watch them die a slow death paying me rent.") I feel much better because I don't have visions of Christmas in April dancing in my head.

*My son got the new Monopoly Here & Now game as one of his gifts. We are fairly Monopoly obsessed around here and have several versions (including electronic ones) but this one is the strangest one evah! Things we like: cool tokens (cell phone, hybrid car, airplane, etc) and properties from all over the country. Things we hate: the money and the money!! It is 10,000 times as complicated to use because the whole shebang has been inflated by--you guessed it--a factor of 10,000. Worse than that? Three denominations are some variant of yellow--including the $100,000 and $1,000,000 bills--and are very easily mixed up. We did have a very interesting lesson on place value, though. My recommendation? Stick with your classic version and order "replacement" tokens from H@sbro. (If you feel that is somehow unethical, then go buy the game and get all giddy when you discover your own tiny St@rbuck's mug token!)

Old Year's Resolution...

2006-12-29T23:45:00.000-05:00

The new weight (143.5 lbs) is accurate! Whoo hooo!

Yeah. That would be some 5.5 pounds under goal weight (which I have officially maintained for 13 months)... but if you have read up on ye olde archives, you will find my constant ponderizing on the ultimate goal weight--and the likelihood of its being under 140.

Some of you might point out that it took me 5 months to lose 39 pounds and over a year to lose the next 5... and you would be right.

Some of you might point out that I have hardly paid attention to the whole fitness/weight thing over the course of 2006... and you would be right.

Some of you might point out that this news is hardly news since I didn't step on a scale for months and when I did some 3 pounds had magically disappeared... and you would be right.

But that would mean that there are at least 3 people reading this blog... and since there are crickets in the comments box, I gotta assume that ain't the case.

So, as I am, evidently, writing for future blog readers who will, undoubtedly, be clamoring to know just how I did this losing-of-three-pounds-without-trying magic, here goes...

I kept eating radically reasonable amounts of food and exercised when I could squeeze it in between grad school and home school and trips to see my out-of-town boy (read: a total of about 10 times in the past month).

Oh, and I didn't do the holiday eating thing. So what if there are piles of chocolate covered somethings everywhere?? I am not hungry so I am not eating it! I did have a cookie or two and an still working on a quart of egg nog*, but I honestly haven't been tempted to overeat.

Sound too good to be true? A couple of years ago, I would have been stormin' the comments with all sorts of whatevers... but it--eat less, move more--works... The catch?? You have to figure out why you are eating more and moving less before it will actually click and stick. My eating was motivated by a stress and depression. Funny, once I spent the 5 years and $15k on therapy, losing some 50 pounds was easy.

Here's to all the folks who will be starting a new diet for the new year. I am oh, so rooting for you! I remember how impossible losing the weight seemed when I got going, and how amazing it felt to get to goal...

I wish I could blog that feeling.

*Oh my! My sis is a coffee goddess, and taught me the merits of using egg nog in lieu of milk/cream. It is equally outrageous in iced coffee and hot coffee. I am so going to mourn the end of egg nog this year.

Oh, son, I am so, so sorry...

2006-12-06T18:23:00.000-05:00

From the press release announcing the passage of the “Combating Autism Act”:

“This bill is a federal declaration of war on the epidemic of autism,” said Jon Shestack, co-founder of Cure Autism Now. “It creates a congressionally mandated roadmap for a federal assault on autism, including requirements for strategic planning, budget transparency, Congressional oversight, and a substantial role for parents of children with autism in the federal decision-making process.”

“By passing this landmark single-disease legislation, the House has recognized the daily plight of the thousands of families struggling every day with autism, and has once and for all acknowledged autism as a national healthcare crisis,” said Bob Wright, co-founder of Autism Speaks and chairman and CEO of NBC Universal.

AAAAACKKKKKKK!!!!!

The name of the act alone sent me into a rage but this???

“war on the epidemic of autism”????

“assault on autism”????

“daily plight”????

“families struggling”????

“once and for all acknowledged autism as a national healthcare crisis”????

All of this packed into TWO sentences!!! Oh. My. GOD!!!

And this stuff was said by family members of children with autism… not professionals or lobbyists.

These people are declaring war on my son!!! And their own children… they just don’t get it, do they??

Sigh.

I just want to go on the record saying that while I am all for finding accommodations that help folks participate in the world, offering medical treatment to those who need it, finding new ways to teach folks, and the like--I am *not* cool with using the same language we apply to terrorists and drug lords for legislation regarding our children!

Since when do we wage war on children?

It is not okay to forget that my children are just that--children.

The language we use is important! How often do children with diagnoses hear that there is "something wrong with them"?? How many times can they hear that without believing it?

Unfortunately, other people believe it, too. So, for the record, there is nothing "wrong" with my children. They are not the cause of some "daily plight" in my life. We get along just fine, thankyouverymuch.

I know that there are plenty of folks ready to heap ashes on my head for thinking this way. They will point to their children and say, "Look at my child! He bangs his head! He drools! He spreads poop on the walls! He has behaviors! You just don't understand!!"

I do understand. I have seen it all. I have lived it all. And still I refuse to blame my children and lay the burden of my lack of happiness at their feet. I will not "wage war" on them. I will love them and care for them and fight for them and educate them and tell them over and over that they are awesome.

And I will declare war on anyone who suggests I do otherwise.

She's So Cool...

2006-11-06T23:05:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know. I am mystifyingly cool.

No kidding.

I can do grad school, homeschool, raise two kids, balance a checkbook, date real men, drive a car, stay at goal weight, and elliptical train for an entire hour without passing out.

Then, I start my heady yeah-I-just-ran-to-nowhere-for-an-entire-hour-without-passing-out walk back to the locker room only to get my headphone cord tangled up with my towel and my sweatshirt and manage to bang my Zen into my nose and draw blood.

And then one of those real men has to tell me that I have blood running down my face, 'cause I am too cool to notice it all on my own.

Now, you know just how impressive I really am.

Oh, and the run-just-prior-to-my-public-humiliation is in the books (126/200) along with another one (run not humiliation) this weekend (127/200) plus an amazing, leaf-crunching (I love fall!!), 5-mile hike (128/200).

I. Am. So. Cool. Don't you wish you could be like me?

Stop laughing. It isn't funny.

Yet.

Welcome Back Old Friend...

2006-11-01T20:20:00.000-05:00

It is no secret that I haven't been the best about going to the gym since I hit goal weight/got the divorce. Frankly, I have probably worked out an average of once a month over the past year--give or take. I have stayed pretty active--who wouldn't with two kids--but there's nothing like a good hour-long run to nowhere to get the juices flowin'.

I just couldn't put my brain around taking my kids to the gym. That is, until the guy I am seeing* asked me "How are you feeling?" and I said, "Okay." and he said, "Just okay? Maybe you outta get back to the gym." Yeah--he said it just like that--out of the blue and with no warning that his question was loaded. And I thought, "Yikes! He's right. And I really can't claim any good reason for not going."

My kids were with their dad Monday night--which eliminated all excuses for not going. So, bright and early yesterday mornin' I dug out the sports bra, laced up the shoes and headed out.

I fully expected to fall on my face after about 15 minutes. A year is a long time to barely work out and expect to have any stamina. You may recall that my first workout of the MegaChallenge was a 700 stride 7 minute affair. Imagine my surprise when I pulled out an hour-long 9500 stride (that's nearly 6 miles!) run on my elliptical buddy (124/200).

Yeah!

And it felt amazingly fantastic!!!

So, having broken the mental barrier, I got up a second batch of gumption and packed the kids up for their first return trip to the gym in over 2 years. Images of screaming childcare workers chased me the entire way there, but I shook them off and kept driving.

I signed them in--fully expecting the staff to say, "Oh no! We remember your kids! They poop their pants to get out of here. We'll be calling for you in moments. Don't bother, lady!" When no one said anything, I took off for the elliptical machine telling myself, "If you can just get a sweat--it doesn't have to be a full workout--you can walk out of here happy."

Great news! I got an entire hour-long run in! 10,000 strides of sweaty bliss (125/200). I got to listen to my favorite sweat-inducing songs on the Zen I bought when I hit goal weight. Yeah, I finally got a 40 gig (I think it is gig--for all I know it is nano or terrabytes) MP3 player and have used it about a dozen times--after 2 years of only 30 songs to choose from you would think the musical options alone would have gotten me to the gym more.

My girlfriend who was MegaChallenging with me is also back on the wagon. Cool, no?? So, the MegaChallenge is back on! I know! I know! It was supposed to be 200 workouts in a year--but no one said that I couldn't take a year-long hiatus in the middle of it.

Shut up!

It is my blog and my challenge and I make the rules.

It's good to be the queen!

*Don't ask. That's all you are getting for now.

Grad School is Hard...

2006-10-29T09:03:00.001-05:00

But not for the reasons you might think.

When you think school, what do you think about? I'd bet tuition and books are pretty high on that list.

Well, not to the folks in my "Learning Team." Oh no! Books are optional! Yeah!

I am struggling for the words to express my complete dismay at the lack of responsibility, preparation, and readiness for school exhibited by the folks I am supposed to study with for the next 18 months.

Okay, to catch you up--my grad school program has a very large team component. We are grouped with three of our classmates into a "Learning Team" for the duration of the program. The team is required to do projects and presentations every week. It is a major part of my grade and my life. It is supposed to create a support system and synergize learning.

Well, it ain't cutting it.

Of the four of us, two of them don't have books 8 weeks into school--the third got hers late. One of them is planning a wedding and travels constantly, another can't put a sentence together (subject-verb-period--how hard is it??) and doesn't know the word "volunteer", and the third can't keep a promise to save her life.

"Oh, I can do that! I'll bring that! I'll write that!"

and then nothing.

NOTHING!

And I am supposed to feel sorry for her because she meant to get to it.

I am such a bitch.

But after spending every weekend pathologically checking email for signs of her work only to be perpetually disappointed, and then spending every Monday scrambling to create whatever it is that she is responsible for, I am over it. The final straw came when she made some snide remark about my giving too much information to her for a project she has to do--and when I called her on it, she did her Famous Flip and denied saying it.

So, I had a Come to Jesus Meeting with Ms Flip. She heard me. She cried. She promised to do better. And then she decided to give me the silent treatment instead. (I told you she couldn't keep a promise!!)

Mr Skate is another frustration entirely. He has yet to step up and offer to do anything. Literally. If we have 4 segments of an assignment he will wait until everyone takes a part and then just sits there. I have said things like, "So, what are you going to be doing?" or "Which part do you intend to cover?" to give him the opportunity to jump on board. I end up having to assign stuff to him. And then comes the clincher.

He can't actually do it.

Given a bulleted summary of an article and the task of turning it into a 3-paragraph write-up, he actually randomized the points, removed all the apostrophes, misspelled "morale" as "moral" 3 times, quoted things that weren't quotes and removed quotes from items that were, added words that had no relevance to the subject, and sent it to me "finalized and ready to print." It seemed moot to point out that nothing was cited, and that APA has a manual to help with that.

The wedding-planner girl isn't so bad. As a matter of fact, she is pretty on-the-ball. She works hard to keep up her end, which I appreciate. The downside is that she is a solid B student--and I haven't made a B in 15 years. So, we have different goals. Her opening salvo was to make fun of me and to invalidate my entire life when she was assigned to introduce me to the class. Nice, huh? She is an ESTJ and I am an ENFP--which basically means we are outgoing opposites of one another. I am touchy-feely; she is all business. It can be a good thing--in a yin/yang kind of way--if we don't kill one another.

I am not responsible for these people. I shouldn't be carrying them through school. Yeah, my degree is in Human Resource Development--but I didn't bargain for having to start out implementing a major intervention. I mean, that's supposed to be the final project not the opening move!

Send chocolate.

The Year of Magical Thinking...

2006-10-15T01:09:00.000-04:00

With apologies to Joan Didion* for stealing her title, I am doing that thing. You know the thing I mean? Where you do the "year ago today" thing and look back and think about what you were doing a year ago and sort of relive last year while living this year and feel like you are in two places at once.

It fucks with my head.

Magical thinking.

See, magical thinking is based in patterns. We think we see patterns where there aren't patterns or create patterns where we want them to be. So, if I really want to believe something, I will start looking for proof and--as if by magic--I find it!

It might be my thinking if I wait to have children until my mother did (at least 24 years old) then it isn't an "accident" and my children will be welcome and approved.

It might be my thinking that if I have always fallen in love in the fall and it is now fall that--wha la!--I should be running into Mr Right (Now) at any moment.

It might even be that if I could turn back the clock to those moments before the events that sent me reeling toward right now occurred that I could, somehow, avert them.

It doesn't matter that my mom was divorced within 4 years of giving birth. (I didn't follow the logic past the "approval" to see if the pattern held, I would be a single mom shortly.)

It doesn't matter that the reason I have always fallen in love in the fall is because that is when you go back to school and hook up with a new guy. (Yeah, I am back in school--but all of the guys are either married or gay which makes them somewhat unsuitable for my love interest.)

It doesn't even matter that I can't turn the clock back and even if I could that I couldn't change anything except--perhaps--the day it all finally blew apart. (The wasband's temper was hardly within my control.)

I am still doing it. Magical thinking. Looking for the pattern. Trying to find control when, frankly, I have none.

There is a time for looking back. It helps to understand what got you where you are. But at some point, you have to point forward. I am working toward the balance between reflection and action.

Driving home tonight I was absolutely terrified for about 20 seconds. Why? I realized that I was on the road with my little kids and no one expected me at the other end. I could vanish from the earth and it would be at least 12 hours before anyone noticed. I felt completely disconnected. It was an acute attack of the larger unease I have been feeling the last few days. Generally, I am a pretty upbeat, expecting-the-best kinda girl. The last few days have found me worried about everything--money, health, death, school, friends, love, car, and so on--and unable to accomplish much of anything.

I think it is the Magical Thinking pushing me in this direction. As scary things happen to the people around me, I can't help but wonder if I am on a bad-luck stretch of the highway. I am looking for the clues that my turn to get sideswiped is comin'. Enough already.

I need a good night's sleep. I need to make a list of the stuff that I need to accomplish. I need to pat myself on the back for successfully navigating one of the hardest years of my life--while managing to graduate from school, homeschool two children, and stay at goal weight.

I can do this--whatever this might be. And I don't have to resort to magic.

*OMG if you haven't read this book, go now and find it! It seems trite to use words like "breathtaking" and "perfect" but The Year of Magical Thinking is both. I read it in two sittings and am going back to read it again. It is one of those books that sets you to making lists of people who need copies. I feel like I should write Joan Didion a thank you note for opening up her soul. But that seems even more trite than saying her book is "perfect."

Life and Death...

2006-10-04T01:28:00.000-04:00

It is such a fine, fine line between here and there. Two of my very favorite people have been dancing on that line for the last bit. One is hanging on with every ounce of her being. One just teetered over the edge.

I'll start with the still living. Gammy--as my kids call her--was out of my life for 21 years in spite of being one of the kindest people I have ever encountered. I got to reconnect with her this summer when I reintroduced myself to my paternal clan--and we are very early in the rebuilding stages. She went in for "routine"* surgery last week, was sent home the next day, and should have been fine. But she wasn't. I'll spare you the details, but she has been through 3 additional surgeries and tons of trauma (she needed some 6 pints of blood and 4 pints of plasma on Sunday alone!!) and is--amazingly--alive.

How close?? How close did I come to never seeing her again? My sisters and dad are almost speechless with fear and exhaustion and I feel like I am watching the whole thing through binoculars. It is impossible to describe the feeling of being so tightly emotionally bound to people you barely know. I want to gather them in and nurture them--but I don't even know them well enough to have a clue what they would consider nurturing! I am just praying that I get the chance to learn. I almost didn't.

Tracey's mom, Noreen, was one of those women who just gave--and not the leftovers--she gave her best. When I married the wasband, Tracey and her brother were both in the wedding. Now, Tracey is an incredibly talented artist--with style in surplus--who did all sorts of wonders for my wedding. But, as a bridesmaid, isn't that part of the job?

But her mom? Her mom didn't get an official title in the production, but she sure should have. She made Tracey's dress, drove a 15 passenger van full of guests across 3 states (and earned the nickname "Maria Andretti") , assisted with the video, posed for pictures, offered sound advice, entertained the hotel staff, managed to smile the whole time, and then returned that van load safely home.

I can't even look at the pictures right now. It reminds me that I have let some people slip away. I sort of lost some of them in the divorce. I got "too busy" to keep up with others. I missed the opportunity to reconnect with others.

Yeah, I believe in an afterlife--and all the solace that provides--but I am still very, very sad for those of us who will miss her amazing ability to be so casual about what a big deal she was. I am very, very sad that she got away without a goodbye. I had plenty of warning. She fought cancer for a very long time. I thought about calling, sending a card, sending flowers. I thought. I didn't. I let her get away. Shame on me.

*I have always corrected anyone who called surgery "routine." It is routine only for the medical personnel involved. I know there are folks who have lots of surgeries--but I doubt even they consider turning off their bodies, having them sliced open, having things rearranged and removed, sewing the whole package back up, and then waking up to round-the-clock vitals checks as a "routine" part of their day.

Missed their target...

2006-09-27T18:59:00.000-04:00

I just got a catalog from Jessica London in my mailbox. The cover features a size-6 model wearing a pretty periwinkle shirt/shell set. Having never heard of this company, imagine my surprise to discover that they cater to women who wear sizes 14W-34W.

I say, "cater" but what I should say is that they sell clothing to this group of women--they cater to the misguided illusion that women who wear plus sizes need to be deluded into thinking that they will suddenly shrink to a size 6 upon donning the outfits.

There is not a single model in the entire catalog with a BMI over 20. Gah!!

I don't wear plus sizes anymore, so I can't buy anything from this company--and if I were wearing plus sizes, I wouldn't know from the cover or inside shots that they carry them!

How is this considered "good" marketing?

I am hoping it isn't--or that it doesn't continue to be.

Things gotta change.

A Year Ago...

2006-09-27T02:45:00.000-04:00

Anniversaries are pretty cool. Usually. I am a sentimental girl who thrives on marking time and remembering when. So, it should come as very little surprise that I am sort of "celebrating" a very odd anniversary.

Get to it, woman! What anniversary?

The anniversary of the major blow up event that led to my eventual divorce and rebirth as--well as me.

Sure, I made strides toward the newish me. I started the weight loss MegaChallenge thing. I went back to school. I got great haircuts and color. But it wasn't until I did the heave-ho to the marriage that I actually felt like I was making progress.

I haven't been very forthcoming with the events leading up to my divorce. It isn't shame so much as not wanting to be a dirty-laundry-airing someone. I guess being raised Southern has a stronger hold that I would like to admit. I mean, geez, it wasn't until last year that I could say out loud that I might need to lose a few (read: 50) pounds!

At the risk of sounding like a curmudgeonly marriage-basher, I just have to say, "If you hate your marriage, get the hell out of it!" If it is sucking the life out of you what are you doing sitting there making up excuses to stay?

Perhaps this is a message to the me of 2-4-8-12 years ago who thought she could work hard enough to make it all okay. Perhaps it is a message to my stuck friends who are miserable and keep hanging on. Perhaps it is totally misguided, but if I had only had the courage to walk when I first figured out that my marriage was a bust I might have saved myself and my children a whole lot of pain, grief, and therapy.

The great news? I am out of there!

Deep breath.

I am so happy to be on the other side! If I had known how precious life would be without that constant gnawing, I'd have done it so much sooner! Life has been so, so, so sweet.

Sure, there are still days when nothing seems to go right. Car parts still break. Kids still get sick. Computers still crash. The difference is that I start out with the emotional energy to deal with those every day stresses without the chronic downer of an unhappy, abusive, controlling, spiteful spouse to suck me dry before I even get started.

Yeah, I know that everyone acts in their own time. I am hardly one to point fingers--I procrastinate better than anyone I know! I wanted to make sure I had exhausted all possible options for saving the marriage before I left. Unfortunately, I almost lost my life in the process.

No, I didn't plan on getting a divorce when I stood in front of God and everybody in that parade float of a dress. Thank God I was able to change my plans before I met Him face to face--and that I get this whole new shot at figuring out what I want in life and going for it!

So, it has been a year since I figured out that if I didn't end my marriage that I would likely end up dead. I am alive! Happy birthday to me!

Brain fog rolls in...

2006-09-19T00:46:00.000-04:00

Have you ever really wanted to blog but had so few firing brain cells that you just couldn't make an entry make sense to save your traffic??

No?

Well, lemme fill you in on what it is like. I have opened the Blogger word processor no less than 15 times in the past week and started typing. I get about 5 paragraphs into it and go back and re-read what is there. I shake my head in utter dismay because it is completely unintelligible. I close the browser window and assure Blogger that, yes, I really do want to navigate away from the page without saving my changes.

Gah!

It isn't that I don't have any news. I do! I saw 145 lbs on the scale on Sunday. I went to the gym on Saturday. (Sure it was closed when I got there, but I actually laced up my shoes! That has to count for something, no??) I could tell you all sorts of stories about my wacko family--including that my mom and step-dad moved an hour away without ever officially telling me that they had bought a new house. I could even update you on my grad school progress. (Did you know that textbooks no longer come with covers? They are still over $100, but they are all paperback. I could rant for hours on this alone!)

So what, you ask, seems to be the problem?

Allergy med head.

Ugh.

I don't know why my immune system takes such strong offense to the change of seasons, but let the temperature adjust by 10 degrees and I am practically incapacitated for 2 weeks. I am allergic to just about every plant and animal on the globe. My allergist actually took pictures of my scratch tests--the reactions were so strong that my whole body looked like one big, swollen mosquito bite. Oh, and lucky me, I am one of the 3% (not a scientifically-based statistic. Go look it up if you want to know. I can't be bothered in my state.) of the population that reacts to allergy shots by getting worse. Tack on a metabolism that runs through meds in half the normal time, and you have a recipe for allergy med head.

So, forgive me if I am somewhat unaccounted for as fall arrives. I am wandering around bleary-eyed.

Swimwear Shopping or How I Faced the Dragon...

2006-09-05T20:10:00.000-04:00

I last bought a swimsuit in February 2005. I weighed in the 190 pound range, and everything I tried on looked like what it was: a rather snug garment doing its level best to hold in all of the lumpy parts without splitting a seam. After trying on no less than three billion suits, I finally found one that I could tolerate. I have to admit that it did a pretty decent job of snugging in the bulges and holding up the flab and I wore it faithfully to pools and gym spas for over a year.

I don’t know when I noticed how large it was. Probably around the time it got warm enough to put on a swimsuit—so, June? But then life exploded and I just lived with it because, quite frankly, I would rather pluck nose hairs—even strangers’ nose hairs—than try on those latex sausage casings. That is, I used to prefer all sorts of tortures over facing the three way mirror in my almost-nakedness. But how was I to know that even this trauma could be reduced to a memory??

Labor Day is officially the best day—price wise—to purchase swimwear. Everything is 75% off and the racks still have loads of options. Any other year of my life, the following paragraph would be filled with how much I hate swimsuit shopping. Not this year. I will say that it took my very best friend practically dragging me to the mall to even get me started in the direction of replacing my trusty casing. He is a very, very patient man, (he would have to be to be my best friend after the couple of years I have had, no?) but even he was getting tired of hearing me bitch about how huge my suit was and how un-pretty I felt in it.

So we went shopping. He asked my size—in past years that would have been met with an “oh—I don’t know—um—huge??”—and I said, out loud, “Let’s start with 12s and then we can adjust.” He proceeded to pull one of every—and I do mean every—size 12 possibility off of the 20 rounders. When he had a good arm load, he handed them to me and shoved me toward the dressing room saying, “I’ll keep digging; you get started.” And so he did and I did. Out of those first 30 suits, 25 were just wrong—cut, color, fabric, or bra just didn’t do anything for me—but the other 5 were definite possibilities. When I found a suit that I was feeling pretty good about —sit down—I walked out of the dressing room and asked how it looked. Each time, I would bring an armload of non-contenders and he would replace them with his latest finds.

We finally narrowed it down to 3 that did all the stuff I wanted. (Made me look incredible, supported my post-pregnancy and weight-loss self, and covered my ass—there is nothing worse than a bulgy, saggy, up-the-butt suit.) I wanted 2 suits (75% off!!) and we decided on 2 of the three just before we noticed an adorable suit on a mannequin (I have never been the size of a suit on a mannequin!!) and said, “I might as well give it a shot.” It fit perfectly, I look fantastic in it, and long story longer I walked out of there with 2 terrific suits that I cannot wait to wear in public!

So, yes, weight-loss groupies, even the dreaded swimsuit phobia can be a thing of the past. I feel invincible!! Well, except for that little gall bladder thing that sent me rushing to the hospital last Thursday, but that is for another post.

Can't Fix It...

2006-08-30T00:01:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know there is a typo in my previous entry. I saw it as soon as I clicked, "post." Unfortunately, I haven't made the decision to convert to the new Google Blogger irrevocable version so editing the post has proven to be a formatting nightmare. Just suffice it to say that I have lost plenty of time trying to make it better. I am off to slay another dragonfly.

My friend (as in bridesmaid--though I doubt she puts that on her resume--and godparent to my child), Tracey, has landed herself a year-long teaching gig in Japan. Swing by and say, "Hello" or "Konichiwa" if you are one of those intrepid speakers of foreign languages. I'm not. But I like to pretend I am and pepper foreign words into my every day speech. Between that and my penchant for saying "grad school" every 7 minutes, I am a pretentious cuss to be around. Yeah, can't fix that, either.

What can I fix? A mean grilled mozzarella cheese sandwich on whole wheat with--oh my universe--Penzey's Sandwich Sprinkle on it. I don't make a dime off of the stuff, so it is with pure heart that I say, "How did I ever live without this???"

(Warning: do not try to substitute said sandwich for phase 1 of your gastro-bypass diet. Dreaming of said sandwich is perfectly acceptable, though.)

Little Progress at Lightning Speed...

2006-08-27T19:09:00.000-04:00

The days are just whizzing by. I don’t know what happened to August. When I was finishing up my BS degree in June it felt like I had all the time in the world before school started again. Well, all that time is a memory, and a vague one at that.

My first course in grad school (I try to drop “grad school” into every conversation) is a survey course on HRD (Human Resource Development for those of you with a life) in which we are going to complete a career assessment and create an HRD career plan (sounds like such fun—seriously—and three is about my parenthetical limit for one sentence so I am going to put a period and start fresh now). Most of my undergrad coursework was about getting hours behind me. Yeah, I enjoyed school (sick, I know) but I didn’t get to take many classes which turned my crank. Every course without exception in my grad school (there it is again) program is so up my alley that I get all giddy from reading it (sick, I know).

So, career thoughts and life thoughts are swirling about. I am a life-coach-literature junkie so I have done the whole dreaming, visioning, planning, first steps thing before. Thing is that all that stuff about every day being a fresh start and people creating their own luck and folks manifesting what they need happens to be true. It sounds like so much claptrap, but I have experienced the phenomenon of calling what I need to me enough to know it to be spot on. Combining concrete planning tools with the belief that we *can* be and have whatever we want in our lives makes for some pretty exciting stuff!

Some people call it prayer—ask and ye shall receive—some call it magic, voodoo, universal supply, good karma, what comes around goes around. It doesn’t seem to matter how you label it—you just gotta accept it and remember the availability of it. One of the barriers to my bliss as a single mom is access to childcare. I love, love, love my kids but I’d like some time to do un-kid stuff from time to time. Basically, being the sole provider of all things to my children all day every day (and nights, too!) is leaving me low on energy and enthusiasm. So, I wrote an email to my best friend expressing this need.

The one thing I can do to alleviate this feeling of entrapment (which is what it is) is to locate excellent, dependable, flexible childcare options. It is vial to my mental health to know that I can schedule breaks without having to ask the wasband or my mother as both are no longer options for support.

I need (hear this universe) someone who can come to my house for evening events--like school--who is able to provide their own transportation. I need someone who is available on weekend days. I need someone who is available for overnights (either here or at their place.) And I need each of these options to be very reasonably priced--or some form of financial support to cover it.

So there. It is within my power to get the time away that I need in order to be fully available when I am with my children.

I clicked the send button and headed off to a new homeschool activity with these self-same children. Skip ahead a couple of hours into this activity and not only did I find a sitter, I found 3 teens who can come to my house almost anytime (they homeschool and are flexible time-wise), a family willing to let me drop my kids off pretty much whenever (“There is always someone here…”), and leads on a couple of other options. I am still following up on the details, but—c’mon—you gotta admit that the whole timing thing was pretty awesome!

Fitness? Yeah, well. I packed a moving truck in 100 degree heat. Does that count?

Blogger Google confusion...

2006-08-16T23:35:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I head over to the Blogger homepage to sign in and update my screaming fan and it does this weird Google sign in thing and asks me to switch and tells me I can't go back and something about a beta (isn't that a fish??) and I am so completely confused!

Deep Breath...

What I signed on to report is that I have no appetite.

Yes, I am complaining!

It isn't like I am only a little hungry and eating a little food. I am absolutely food averse this week. Yes, I put lots of my favorite foods in the fridge--lots of green leafies and cheeses and salty snacks and even (gasp) a carton of snow cream--and nothing looks, smells, tastes appealing to me. I am pretty much living on slim f@st and cashews. (I don't drink it for the "diet" but because it is cheaper than Ensure and keeps me alive when I get like this.)

The food aversion is related to my (withheld from public consumption) diagnosis which is kicking my butt right now. The problem is that when I relapse I am weak and don't feel like eating. When I don't eat, I get weaker and am less likely to want to go fix something to eat. I end up in an ugly spiral leading to lower and lower energy and altogether unacceptable quality of life.

It seems utterly ridiculous to be posting my frustration with *not* being hungry on a semi-fitness related blog. But good nutrition is the cornerstone of my health plan. When I eat like shit I feel like shit--and that goes for too few calories just as much as it does for too many.

So, my goal for tomorrow is to eat at least 1000 calories and to get outside in the sunshine for a walk. I need my strength back so that I can sort out this incredibly important and irreversible Blogger Google sign in beta switch thing.

On the downward slope...

2006-08-14T10:19:00.000-04:00

I woke up to a new low weight. Everyone extend a warm welcome to 146.5 lbs. After 9 months of bouncing between 147 and 150 (my maintenance range) it is pretty cool to find that I still have the ability to lose weight.

Now, if fretting could be considered exercise I'd have all 200 of my sessions done in days. Stewing is my new favorite pastime. I picked it up about a month ago and I would really like to get back to my centered, happy personality. Hopefully soon...

It looks good on paper...

2006-08-13T23:16:00.000-04:00

I had to come up with a 300 word essay explaining why I want a Master's Degree in Human Resource Development. Y'all know that I rarely have trouble blah-blahing out 300 words but this was hard! I mean, I have thought and planned and read and researched all sorts of degree programs and came to the conclusion that this was the one for me. How to explain that to an admissions committee proved incredibly difficult.

So, here's what I came up with after 3 months of fretting. Keep your fingers crossed that it is compelling enough to get me into the program--and that the program is as advertised.

I see every person, organization, and event as an occasion for development. I am happiest when brainstorming strategy with a group of colleagues, envisioning opportunities with an individual, or designing approaches for getting the best outcomes in a challenging situation.

Completing the Master's Degree in Human Resource Development would add numerous skills to my resume while opening doors in the training/facilitating/coaching field--a realm in which I thrive. Specifically, I am looking forward to the components of the program which will prepare me for formal consultant relationships, including learning to assess organizational needs, applying adult learning theory and instructional design principles, and improving my team communication skills.

Graduate school will also "legitimize" the skill set and abilities I already have. Over the past several years I have been a featured speaker at local and statewide group meetings on a variety of subjects, including diversity sensitivity, disability-related issues, self-determination, person-centered planning, problem solving and realizing one’s dreams and potential. I make myself available as a volunteer graphic facilitator to assist organizations and individuals in defining and planning short and long-term strategies and achieving useful, realistic outcomes. Adept at conflict resolution, I have mediated countless technical, political, and interpersonal difficulties among individuals from diverse backgrounds. On a more informal basis, friends and colleagues routinely seek me out for guidance in their personal journeys toward fulfillment in their daily lives.

I am interested in participating in this program because the extensive coursework and hands-on research component will directly apply to the type of work I plan to pursue. Of course, from a more practical perspective, my hope is that this degree will give me the ability to be financially self-sufficient, while setting an example of a capable and accomplished woman for my daughter and son.

Oh yeah! It is a fitness blog...

2006-08-12T00:23:00.000-04:00

Don't think that just because I haven't been working out consistently and tracking every morsel of food via fitday that I am not on top of that portion of my life. I am closing in on 9 months (count 'em) at goal weight. I know it drove Allan (where the hell is he?? Oh wait! He's back!) nuts that I managed to lose weight with what amounted to wishful thinking, caloric awareness (not restriction), and a handful of trips to the gym.

Call me tenacious (or, like the wasband, evil incarnate) but once I get my head wrapped around an idea I don't let go easily. 'Sprobably why I was married for so long. The thing is that it takes me a really long time to get my head wrapped around anything. I think and I research and I plot and I fret and then -- it would appear -- all of the sudden I leap into action and head full steam toward my new goal. From the outside it must resemble a snail suddenly taking off like a rocket.

I am back in pre-contemplation about re-starting my downward trend in weight. I would still like to get below 140 as there are a few lumpy spots that I would like to eliminate. Dressed no one is the wiser, but I know it is there. That 11 pound lifetime gain thing is in my head, too. I weighed 129 in college (the first time through) and getting under 140 would put me in that 11 pound gain range.

My struggle? Finding time to do the gym thang with my kids. They do not do well in the childcare at my gym... I am sure there is an early post about it. Suffice it to say, that I worked up more of a sweat running back and forth between the nursery and the bathroom than I ever did on the elliptical machines. Perhaps it is time to revisit that option, though. They are a year older... hmmmmm.

In the meantime, I am working up one stinky sweat cleaning out the garage. Of course, I picked the hottest stretch of one of the hottest summers to go at it. But when I make up my mind to do something...

She has such a great personality...

2006-08-10T21:01:00.000-04:00

I have taken the MBTI about a zillion times and it always comes out the same. It still fascinates me to no end, so I took another online version tonight and came up with the write up below.

From what I understand, folks with ENFP personalities do best with other folks with ENFP personalities. So, assuming that the 3% of the population that has this personality type is split 50-50 male to female, I have exactly 1.5% of the population to choose from should I care to reconnect romantically. Subtracting the married/gay/child/inmate populations (all fine people, but not on my list of romantic possibilities) I am probably down to one guy. I just hope he lives near by.

ENFP - The Champion

You scored 100% I to E, 0% N to S, 4% F to T, and 84% J to P!

Your type is known as the Champion type, which is part of the larger group called idealists. Nothing occurs that does not have some deep and ethical significance in your eyes. You see life as an exciting drama. You are very charismatic, yet tend to be too harsh on yourself for not being as genuine as you think you should be. 3% of the population shares your type.

As a romantic partner, you need to talk about what is going on in your life. You are a strong supporter for your partner's efforts to grow and change and be happy. You need to feel that same support from your partner. Expressive, optimistic, and curious, you are eager to enjoy new experiences with your partner, whom you wish to be your confidant and soul mate, as well as play mate. You are uncomfortable sharing negative emotion, though, and tend to withdraw from confrontation and process your feelings privately. You feel most loved when your partner appreciates your creativity, accepts your uniqueness, and sees you as the compassionate person you are. You need to hear your partner tell you how much you mean to them and would love if they did thoughtful spontaneous things to demonstrate it.

Your group summary: idealists (NF)

Your type summary: ENFP

Oh the things you find...

2006-08-10T11:32:00.000-04:00

I have known for a very long time that my wasband's family is a little--well, they are a little off. Don't get me wrong, my family is about as whacky as they come, but poor wubby was blessed with the king kamaya-maya of whacky families.

So, as I was digging in the garage, I came across a batch of pictures with a note attached. The pictures were your typical growing-up-a-boy-scout fare. The note was less so.

Hi son,

Am cleaning out a few drawers looking for something and came across these and you were not fatt (sic), clumsey, stupid, dump (sic), ugly, or a jerk!

Love to All,
Mom

Gee thanks, Mom! You really know how to pump a guy up.

Is it any wonder he struggles to put one foot in front of the other? With that kind of "support" it is actually amazing that he manages to get out of bed at all. I worked like crazy for 12+ years to convince him that he is a valuable, precious, intelligent, capable someone but there was no competing with the tapes of his mom's voice he hears at every turn.

Sad. So very, very sad.

Dig down deep...

2006-08-07T22:26:00.000-04:00

I started that project. The big one. The one I have been dreading for about 5 years and officially procrastinating since Thanksgiving. No. I didn't start a new exercise/diet/teeth whitening campaign. Are you ready for it?

I started cleaning out the garage.

See, my wasband (bless his heart*) is a pathological pack rat. He keeps everything. You know all those plastic cups that get dropped at ball games? Well, he takes them home. Hundreds of them. He goes through trash piles. He lives for garage sales. He accepts anyone’s toss offs. He. Collects. Everything.

Over the years he managed to completely fill up our two car garage, our crawl space, and our attic with his “collections.” And, you know, I didn’t really get worked up about it—really—until he moved out and left it all here!!

So we started that back and forth thing. When are you going to get this stuff? Later. Well, can I just box it up and bring it to you? Nope—I don’t want anyone to mess with my stuff.

Now, I know why.

Cleaning out the garage is like an archeological dig. Here is the layer from the car sales and NASCAR epoch. If you dig a little deeper you will discover the insurance sales and football era. Further still and you hit the financial analyst and baseball period.

It is sort of like opening a tomb. It feels like I am encroaching on sacred ground. Only instead of golden statues and dazzling emeralds, I am discovering ketchup bottles and broken glass.

As I shovel (sometimes literally) through all of this stuff, I can’t help but feel like I am mining the remnants of our relationship. There is a lot of garbage in there that makes it really hard to find the lovely parts. Perhaps, given time and lots of trash bags** I will be able to find a couple of nuggets to remind me of the pieces of our marriage that worked well. It is sweet to have a touchstone or two, but the rest has to go.

*As a southern woman, by invoking the phrase “bless his heart” I am officially declaring that I am not bashing him, but merely pointing out some odd quirk and that you should in no way take my comments as catty or ::gasp:: gossip.

** Not to worry all you pack rats out there, the bags are going to my wasband’s storage unit… not to the dump. I am determined to get this stuff out of my space, but it is his issue to deal with what ultimately happens to it all.

Yeah, I used to blog...

2006-08-03T23:43:00.000-04:00

I know. Yeah. It has been a really, really, really long time without a post.

I could give you the 400 really, really, really good reasons for my absence.

But you wouldn't think any more (or less) of me if you knew what was up.

So, I will just say that I am still at goal weight.

I work out sometimes.

I finished my degree in June.

I saw my daddy, step mom, two sisters, grandmother, uncles, aunt, great aunts, great uncles, and cousins for the first time in 21 years.

I am starting grad school in a couple of weeks.

My wasband's new pet name for me is "evil incarnate."

I had an alarm installed.

I graduated from therapy.

Did I mention that I have been a little busy?

I knew you would understand.

Because I am funny that way...

2006-03-20T00:35:00.000-05:00

"So, how did you spend your Sunday?"

Well, frankly, I did laundry. Loads and loads of laundry. Count 'em: 8 loads. Plus a trip to the Laundromat to wash my feather bed. Yeah, it took about 3 hours to get it dry.

I am declaring the rest of this week a laundry-free zone. You could say that I am giving laundry up for lint.

Heh.

But then my naysayers will scream, "It is spelled Lent, and it isn't funny!"

But I think it is.

So there. ;)

So it has been a month...

2006-03-19T01:33:00.000-05:00

since my last post. Sorry to those folks who actually like to hear from me. I do appreciate the comments and support - and kick myself when I let so much time slip without writing. But then I remember that guilt and shame should not be my motivators and I let it go. Way. Too. Long. Bad habits die hard.

Yeah, I am still not back in the swing of blogging - funny how things that you couldn't go a day without doing end up on the back burner. That goes for working out, too. However, I can happily/proudly/smugly report that I made it to the gym 8 times in the past month and am officially at 85/200. Yes, you could point out that there was a time when I would work out that much in a week. You could also point out that I have been sitting at 147 pounds since November. But that is when I would point out that this is my blog and I decide what is woot worthy. So there! ;)

I have sort of half-heartedly decided that I would like to get down under 140 pounds. Nothing official, mind you. Just one of those, "It would be sort of cool if I weighed less than 140 pounds." I do realize that this is the same kind of thinking that went on the entire time I was gaining the forty-some-odd pounds that I have already lost. There is something to be said for being content. I don't know that the same can be said for being complacent. I also don't know which category fits.

The great news? I am so happy. Truly happy. Whistle while you work happy. Honestly. Yeah, it is tough raising my kids without a second set of hands nearby, but it is infinitely easier than attempting it with my heart tied behind my back. Life is so good.

Oh, and on the clutter front: there has been vast improvement in my house over the past couple of months. I have whole rooms that are (and stay) clean. Sure, the kids make messes. Yeah, there is lots more to clear away. But I have actually cleaned out closets that I hadn't opened since we moved here 6 years ago. It feels wonderful to toss stuff in the garbage. Really. Cleaning out the house is a bunch like losing the weight. It feels so overwhelming when you start seriously thinking about it, and halfway through you wonder what you have gotten yourself into, but when you get to the end you feel great all over. It is so worth it. Now, from what I understand, maintenance is the hard part...

Not Dead, Yet...

2006-02-18T14:36:00.000-05:00

Any of you who have spent very long in blogland know that folks tend to blog in cycles. That is, unless they are much more disciplined that I am. But, folks like me tend to do lots of things in cycles - and when they are interesting, and nothing else is pressing, and well - anyway.

So, I did manage to make it to the gym. Twice! Of course, two gym trips in 4 months hardly feels like much to report. It may make a little difference to know that they happened in the same week. No? Does it help to know that I walked my ass off in Washington, DC and am still sore from sleeping on an air mattress for a week? No??

Damn, y'all are a tough crowd.

Of course, it is probably stretching to say, "y'all" - which implies that more than one person is reading this blog. Humor me.

Okay, so the official count of workouts is 77/200. I have moved more than that. Really.

I have moved mountains. I have moved my ex-husband out of my house. I have moved through another semester of school. (18 weeks left in my bachelor's program. Master's program starts in the fall. I am such a schooley.) However, I have not managed to conquer that 200 workout thing - but I still have time. Like 4 months. Yikes! 123 workouts in 4 months? Can you say, "Psycho Gym Attendance"?? Even *I* can't imagine going to the gym every single day.

So, I will go to concerts instead. Yeah. Keith Urban and Train are both on my calendar. Keith because one of my girlfriends is all about him. Train because Brandon went to camp with me when we were kids. (See how I said that?? Like he should be name-dropping my name instead of the other way around??) I have been meaning to send a fanboy email to him for months, but just never got around to it until today. After dropping $185 on concert tickets, I felt the need to reconnect. We'll see if he remembers where he came from.

Ahem. I think I just choked on my presumptuousness.

So, perhaps I will stick with being a disability groupie (You rock, Bob Kafka!!) I am way too (old/shy/afraid) to chase down rock stars.

Oh, and thanks for not giving up on the MegaChallenge, Jen.

Status Update...

2005-12-29T15:12:00.000-05:00

Since this is a pseudo-fitness blog I will start out with my current weight: 147 lbs. I have not done my fat percentage in months, so that is completely out-of-date. I have managed to walk and do other minor forms of exercise, but I haven't been to the gym and my count remains stuck at 75/200.

Now, that we have the preliminaries out of the way, we can move on to my New Year's challenge. I have not really gotten going on the list of talents and training needs. I have taken a look at the master's programs that I am interested in and am narrowing them down in case that is the direction I end up pursuing. I printed out the FAFSA worksheet in preparation for applying for financial aid, and have filled in all the blanks I am able. If I am going to grad school, I have to have everything in order, and I don't want a form or two to prevent my getting started. So, I am working toward what I want in my life.

In even more impressive news, I have both of the Christmas trees down, all of the ornaments and lights boxed up, and everything in the attic. There are a couple of stray Santa decorations and Nativity sets hanging around, but they will be outta here in the next 24 hours. Once all of the Christmas stuff is gone, I will set another step in the clutter-cutting goal. So, I am making great progress on the elimination side of the plan.

Now, to keep the momentum...

Yeah, That Would Be Me...

2005-12-28T14:39:00.000-05:00

The one who manages to lose weight over the holidays and is currently weighing in at 147.5 lbs. I wish I could attribute it to methodical exercise and a stellar diet. It is more likely the fact that I have bronchitis and didn't feel like cooking or eating all of the standard holiday fare.

I will give myself credit, though. I kept myself away from the cases of spiral hams and allowed myself one small piece of pumpkin pie - no whipped cream. The bag of M&Ms that my wasband left at my house was more than I could manage - and I have managed to down a decent amount of it. So, it needs to go.

Outside of that, things are going along about as well as can be expected. My divorce is final (as of Dec. 21 - it gave a whole new meaning to the solstice) and I am looking to the future.

With 72 hours (or so) left in 2005, I have to admit that it has been a pretty impressive year. Yeah, I lost more than 40 pounds, a husband, and completed a year of school. But more than that, I began the journey of rediscovering myself.

2006 is the year I will either meet the MegaChallenge and complete my 200 workouts - or fall short. It is also the year when I will decide whether to tackle a master's degree or to head off to a real job or a combination of the two. Lots of growth and changes are in store.

I don't get into the whole New Year's Resolutions thing - but I do use the change of the calendar to reassess. My favorite question is: If I could have/do/be anything what would it be? Then I have to ask: What is the first step toward having it? When can I get that step completed? Who will hold me accountable for accomplishing it?

My second favorite question is: What is in my life that I would rather be rid of? Then the same steps apply. It isn't mindbogglingly difficult to ask, but it can have enormous impact on my life when I bother to actually implement the answers.

If I could be anything what would it be? A graphic facilitator/life coach. (See Christina's site and you will have a pretty decent idea of my bliss.)
What is the first step toward being a life coach? Doing an assessment of my current abilities and the areas which need development.
When can I get that step completed? By New Year's.
Who will hold me accountable? My blog readers.

And on the other side:

If I could get rid of anything what would it be? The clutter in my house.
What is the first step toward decluttering? Taking down the holiday decorations.
When can I get that step completed? By New Year's.
Who will hold me accountable? My blog readers.

Okay - so before the ball drops in Time's Square I will have a list of my current talents and training needs as well as all of my decorations put away.

What are you going to do to get 2006 rolling in the right direction?

Yeah, I Wish...

2005-12-14T09:26:00.000-05:00

I wish I was here to tell you that I am back to working out. Fact is that I doubt the folks at the gym would recognize me. Yeah, it has been that long. I still have a small desire to make my goal of 200 workouts this year. I haven't looked at the math to see if it is still possible - but I do like finishing what I start.

The person who started out doing this with me is in the same boat. It looks like Renee and Allan and Trish have sort of drifted from their goals, too. Perhaps this isn't a sign of failure, though. Perhaps it is a normal part of life. When I set my goal to work out 200 times this year, it was with the idea that it would take that to get back into my summer clothing. Well, I actually reached that goal in 75 workouts. Does that mean that I never need to work out, again? Of course not! But it does mean that my focus has shifted.

Brenna perfectly illustrates this point. Does she want to be physically strong? Absolutely. But she wants to be a mommy more right now. So, her focus has shifted. That's not to say that a couple months after those babies (yes more than one) are born that her focus won't readjust. But growing babies is a big job - and sort of requires that you give up the goal of fitting into anything smaller than a circus tent - at least in the short term.

So, am I struggling with finding the motivation to get to the gym? Absolutely. Am I freaked out about it? Can't say that I am. I will say that I need to fit some fitness into my life.

My real struggle is with making room for all of the things I need to do along with the stuff I want to do. When working out was a want, I was motivated to work it into my daily routine. Now that it is a need, and not my heart's desire I am a little (okay, a lot) less likely to squeeze it in. This portion of the challenge is to find a way to remain motivated to do things that aren't at the very top of my to do list.

Yikes. This stuff just gets harder and harder!

Two Weeks and Two Days Later...

2005-12-08T00:22:00.000-05:00

I am still weighing in around 149. Some days a little more, some days a little less. The lowest evah was 148 last week. And don't ask about workouts. They aren't happening. But that is so not the focus of my thoughts right now.

My focus is on getting my house in order - literally and figuratively. I am reading tons of books, planning the holidays for my kids (I am not into it at all, but I know better than to skip the festivities.), and throwing out piles of stuff.

It is amazing what you (I) will hang onto way past its usefulness. Like who needs 75 buttons from the 80's? If you were around when Robin Williams was better known as Mork, you will remember the suspenders he wore - complete with sun and moon buttons. Well, that was early in my formative years, and I took that fad and carried it all the way into my adulthood by way of a massive collection of buttons that refused to die. Yeah, they ended up in some box along with several Swatch watches, ticket stubs from concerts and movies (remember the Police? How 'bout the Goonies??), and gawd knows what else. I finally made a clean break with middle and high school and dumped the whole shebang into the garbage.

Yeah, here's where I could make the leap and say the same thing about my marriage. But that would be way too obvious. So, how about I wait right here while you think through that thought and then we can move on.

You back? Great!

So where were we? Oh yeah, cleaning house. See the trouble with cleaning house is that you spend way too much time looking at the stuff you are throwing away and get really close to forgetting the point of the cleaning part. Now you want to know the point? Okay, get ready for it...

The point of cleaning house is to make room to live in it.

If your life is cluttered with all the memorabilia from what you have already done, how will you ever make space to experience anything new? You won't. Of course, you risk throwing away the one thing that you will desperately need in a week and won't be able to replace for anything less than $600 on eBay. That's why we hang on to all of that stuff. It seems too risky to let it go.

But at some point it has to go. Either that, or you will find yourself sitting amongst your piles of already-dones and wondering why you aren't happy. Don't get me wrong. I am keeping my grandmother's dishes and all of my CDs and lots of other things that I love. It isn't that things from the past are bad - but they need to grow with you. I mean, how ridiculous would I look walking around wearing rainbow suspenders covered with buttons that say things like, "I Heart Garfield"? Yeah. Not pretty.

So, out with the tasteless, dated, rusting garbage. I am making room to live again.

All In A Day's Work...

2005-11-21T22:28:00.000-05:00

So, you know how sometimes you build a day up to be a really big deal and then you are all let down when it isn't such a big deal? Well, I don't have that problem. At. All.

November 21, 2005.

It was already scheduled to be a big day as I had my court appearance for the divorce this morning. It took all of 5 minutes to get the judge's signature on the order, and I managed the whole thing without tripping over my feet and landing in his lap. That's a good thing.

As quickly as the court part went, the clerk part was not. Quick, that is. I waited 2 hours for the court clerk to make a certified copy of my decree. See, you have to have that to change your name on your driver's license and social security card and all of those other places where you have told someone that you have a name. So, I waited. I was absolutely convinced that she was hand scribing the damn thing.

So, I am divorced. Yikes. I have had a couple of panic attacks when I think of the reality of being single with two small children. Beyond that I am just really, really sad.

Knowing that (I am sad) think of the mind blow when I stepped on the scale and discovered that I have achieved goal weight. Yes! On the day I end my marriage, I end my diet. Funky weird mixed emotions are everywhere. And, get this, I didn't just hit goal weight. Nope, I sailed right past it to 148.5 because why would I ever be allowed to actually see my goal weight pop up on the scale? Yeah, because that would be the expected outcome. Not that I am complaining. Since I am aiming a little lower for good measure (like to the low 140s - I will fine tune it as I see how I look/feel) the bonus half pound is all good.

We are going to move the car, but it does weird things when you lose more than your goal. So, I am going to put in that I am at goal and not beyond goal. If I can adjust to all the stuff that is going on around here, y'all can deal with the ticker confusion. Right?? Thought so.

So Close...

2005-11-20T11:19:00.000-05:00

I am finally out of the 150's with a morning scale reading of 149.5 lbs. Yep. I am a half pound away from my goal weight! Yeehaw! It feels amazing and surreal to be this close to a goal that seemed so far away when I started the MegaChallenge back in June. Let's see what this does to the car:

I am also less than 24 hours away from seeing the judge to finalize my divorce. Yikes! I am sort of in shock - numb and disbelief are the feelings of the day - but at the same time I realize that what we are doing makes sense. Of course, no one walks down the aisle in 40 yards of organza with the hopes that they will end up divorced some 10 years, 4 months, and 6 days later (but who's counting?). I said those vows believing that we'd be a couple until death. Luckily neither of us resorted to murder to keep that vow. Though, I am sure we were both tempted a time or two.

Hint: You know your marriage is over when your spouse is 4 hours late getting home and you start thinking of ways to spend the insurance money rather that calling hospitals. It is never a good sign when you are disappointed that they showed up alive. I never wished my wasband dead. And I actually still care a lot about him. So, don't worry that I have come completely unhinged. I'm just sayin'.

Not Nearly Enough...

2005-11-13T11:27:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I went to the gym. On Monday. It isn't just the fact that I am falling behind on my goals. It isn't that my weight loss is slow going without the workouts. It is the fact that I am tired and unmotivated and sluggish and depressed when I don't get to the gym. Physical activity (or lack thereof) has a direct impact on my spirits. Given that I am going through one of the hardest transitions of my life, I am not at all surprised that I am feeling a down, but I really do need to take better care of myself.

Having said all of that, I can report another half pound has gone missing from my rear. Yup. I am down to 150.5 lbs and 1.5 pounds from goal. I toyed with the idea of buying myself a super-huge MP3 player as a reward for hitting my goal weight, but looks like I am giving myself a new life instead.

Oh, and for all you race fans, here is the latest result in my efforts to move the car:

Move The Car...

2005-11-07T12:35:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I have hit 151 pounds. Which means that I only have 2 pounds to go to reach goal. The fact that I am losing anyting at all is due to my continued awareness and restriction of my food intake and has nothing to do with fitness. I am about to change that, though. Yes. Believe it. I am off to the gym (75/200). But first let's move the car.

Fast Forwarding Standing Still...

2005-11-06T12:40:00.000-05:00

I am still not going to the gym. I still weigh 151.5 lbs. I am still in the process of going through a divorce. I feel like I am standing still. But life is on fast forward. I am dealing with attorneys and court dates and divvying up our art. It seems somewhat surreal. If surreal means super-real and unreal all at the same time.

Soap Box Of The Day: Oh, and what if your child had a disability and you found out that the disability was caused by something that is completely preventable and that someone knew that potential before your child was injured and they chose not to tell anyone and now it is too late for your child - and about 1% of the children born since 1991 - and now they are working to make sure that those children never get their day in court under the auspices of national security and no one seems to care except a few parents and scientists who know the truth when ultimately thousands of children could be affected and not be given the antidote until it is too late because some very powerful people are embarrassed/afraid that they will be held responsible and so they are rushing to cover their asses and ship the stuff to China under the guises of "humanitarian aide" when it should be called "bioterrorism" because Chinese children shouldn't be given this stuff any more than American children but we are doing it anyway because we have figured out that people buy into this "better them than me" shit and won't do anything to stop it? Yeah, it is one hell of a run-on sentence, but when you are fucking angry and sad and disillusioned, who cares about punctuation?

It is just a theory, but China is going to hate us. It isn't going to be pretty when a fifth of the world's population finds out that we screwed them. On purpose. Just don't say you weren't warned.

Yeah, No...

2005-10-30T13:02:00.000-05:00

So, you think you have a handle on what makes your body lose or gain weight. So, you track those things and tweak them to maximize the subtraction from the poundage. And you plateau. So then you hit a marshmallow-filled holiday (say, Halloween) and eat your age in s'mores and the next thing you know you have dropped another half a pound.

Makes you want to say things like, "What the hell? I think I will just eat my face off and lose those last couple of pounds." But you know that it is really the diet gods playing tricks on you. It is the mantra of the season, afterall. Trick-or-treat. It looks like I get both.

Don't tell the diet gods that I haven't been to the gym. They might see fit to give me flat abs just to mess with my mind.

Oh - and it is time to move the car. Vrrrooooommmm...

No Tricks there.

Given Everything Going On...

2005-10-28T12:29:00.000-04:00

The fact that I can move the car seems somehow of very little import. Well, except for the fact that it makes my son happy. Oh, and it means I am only 3 pounds from goal. And, yes, it is a sign that I am still taking care of myself as I struggle through this period of my life. So, maybe it isn't such a tiny deal after all. So, let's see where a half-pound loss puts the car.

Yup. I weight 152 pounds. Never mind that it took me 3 days to lose 3 pounds and then 3 weeks to lose another half pound. Never mind that I was hoping to hit goal by Halloween. Well, if I can lose 3 pounds in 3 days, I could still, theoretically, hit goal by then - but I ain't countin' on it. As Jules pointed out, I am very close to goal, have an optimal BMI and look and feel pretty great about where I am.

I do think I will aim a little lower than 149 lbs, though. Probably another 10 pounds lower. That puts me at 10 pounds over my college weight. I know there was a study about adult weight gain that said that 11 pounds of gain over the course of your adult life is the upper limit. I am taking that seriously. I will say that at 129, I was rain-thin and really don't want to get that small. So, 149 is good but 139 will be my next target. I figure then that the 4 pound fluctuations I do through the month will still keep me under 145. 145 will be my "OMG I should probably run an extra mile" number.

All of this babbling to avoid the real topic of my thoughts. The appointment with the attorney went fine. We have everything nailed down but one last number. You know the number. Yeah, that would be the child support. My wasband is self-employed, and as such is hard to pin down when it comes to income. But, I am officially not going to worry about it. I am perfectly capable of taking care of my children. If we can't come to an agreement, the courts will make a decision. It is not within my control. So, I am not going to spend energy attempting to control something that I cannot.

Having said that, I am off to do the things I can control. Namely, taking care of my kids, eating properly, getting some form of exercise, and doing my homework for Marketing. Eight months from now I will have my Bachelor's. The timing of this split will not derail my dreams. So there.

Crickets...

2005-10-26T19:33:00.000-04:00

Judging from the overwhelming number of comments, the details of my life outside of shedding pounds and running to nowhere are of little interest to the folks who frequent the MegaChallenge. There would have been a time I would have chosen one of two courses: stopped talking about my life or to have taken it personally and moped for a week.

Well, this isn't that time.

I really have nothing to report in the fitness quest. I have maintained a 152.5 lb weight for two weeks. Not exactly stellar if you are trying to weigh less than that - but not a bad effort when you are close to maintenance.

In divorce news, I meet with my attorney tomorrow afternoon. In some ways it can't come quickly enough. In others, it feels like it is all blazing by faster than I can process it all.

Fall. The Season of Corn Mazes and Attorneys...

2005-10-24T22:08:00.000-04:00

In an attempt to bring some semblance of normalcy to our children's lives, my wasband and I headed out to visit a local pumpkin patch. It is a decent hike out there, and there are two main ways to get there; via interstate or via curvy surface roads. Of course, our lives being the mixed up weirdness that they are, we took the curvy path. Funky weird thing is that it is the same route that my dad took to get to the church the day we got married.

As I mentioned, it is a hike out there, so we don't often drive past this particularly scenic church - and I hadn't seen it in several years. So, how perfect is it that as we approach the place where this marriage started that my attorney called me to discuss arranging our divorce?? Yeah. It really happened exactly that way.

We made it to the farm without ripping each other apart. As a matter of fact, so far there is very little ugliness going on. Which, come to think of it, is a nice change from our normal routine. Maybe it is the fact that we have both given up. Maybe it is the fact that we are too sad to fight about it. I dunno. Regardless, so far there has been less bickering over the details of our divorce than there generally is over which rellies get to see us over the holidays.

The pumpkin patch was lovely. It is (finally) cold enough outside that it feels like fall. So, we were all bundled up in sweaters and jackets for the hay ride out. The kids each chose the very best pumpkin from the rows and rows and rows of options. To top it off, the farm has a corn maze - not a terribly elaborate one, but curvy and confusing enough to excite the sub-8-year-old crowd. We spent the better part of an hour (73/200) weaving and backtracking through the stalks until we found the exit.

Hmmmm. An overly-obvious metaphor? Perhaps. But walking out of that maze felt quite a bit like walking away from this marriage. While I enjoyed some of the mystery, excitement, and surprises of the time in the maze, I was really happy to get out into the open field in the end. After all, there is only so much weaving and backtracking you can do before you begin feeling a little confused and claustrophobic.

Running to Nowhere...

2005-10-20T13:23:00.000-04:00

I think I am beginning to understand how hamsters must feel on those little wheels. I finally made it back to the gym and spent some time with the elliptical trainer (72/200). If it weren't for the fact that it removes layers of fat from my ass it would be such a ridiculous waste of time. Frankly, it probably is even with the physical benefits, but I am too *me* to do something else. So, I am sticking with it.

It sort of makes a nice metaphor for my life, though. I have spent the past 10 (12?) years of my life running to nowhere. Sure, I have given birth and partially raised two children, completed all but 20 hours of my degree, read books, prayed, worked on my own emotional health, and stuff along those lines. But, I have also spent an enormous amount of time and energy trying to stay connected to someone who just doesn't get it - in order to be a healthy couple, you have to work on being healthy individuals. One person can't make it all work out for the other.

So, yeah, I am pretty sad about the fact that we are breaking apart. And I have spent plenty of nights wondering if I could have done anything else/differently/better to have made everything work out. But, I can't help but hope that this divorce will be my chance to make my life into something more than it has been. To this point, I have been defined by my relationships to other people - and obviously I will still be a mom, sister, friend, daughter - but I am looking forward to getting to know who I am - authentically, without the pressures to fit into someone else's picture of who I should be. This is probably the ultimate MegaChallenge. It somehow feels easier and safer to perform an assigned role than to branch out and try something new - however poorly the assigned role actually fits.

So, here's to getting off of the hamster wheel and discovering my own path. But I am sticking with the elliptical trainer at the gym - for now - I can only manage one major life change at a time.

Still Here...

2005-10-19T12:45:00.000-04:00

But in a disjointed, out-of-body sort of way. Lots going on emotionally that I just can't put into words.

Nothing much going on in the health and fitness department - though I did walk a couple of times this week (70 and 71/200). Fall weather is my favorite - so I will probably do more walking than gymming until it turns cold.

Someone wrote that getting a divorce was like ripping your veins out. I have never done the latter - but I would tend to agree. Of course, there is a part of me that is looking forward to life without my wasband. Right now that life seems really far away.

I am really craving a sleeve of Ore0s. Of course, I am using all my powers of resistance to avoid any such purchase - but don't think that the thought hasn't plagued me quite a bit. I don't want to lose track of my goal: a healthy, happy Gina. Ore0s aren't in that picture. Really. Not even one sleeve.

Creme Brulée... well, that's a completely different discussion.

For Those Keeping Score at Home...

2005-10-14T11:53:00.000-04:00

I have taken a day off from my pound-a-day loss trend. The scale said the same thing today as it did yesterday: 152.5. How odd that it is somehow a relief to not lose weight for a day. Yeah, I am the same woman who was bitching endlessly about being stuck at 159. What can I say? I am fickle that way.

Anyone want to place bets on how long it takes me to panic that I am not dropping weight?

Whodda Thunk...

2005-10-13T12:12:00.000-04:00

That divorce would the be secret to rapid weight loss? Okay, maybe it isn't. Maybe I am finally letting go of those pounds my body was holding on to during the stuck-at-159 stretch. Regardless, I have dropped 3 pounds this week and can't claim to have exercised other than taking a long walk (69/200) yesterday.

As this morning's scale visit revealed a 152.5, it is time to move the car, again.

I feel like I am driving without brakes. Great if you are trying to move a little graphic ticker car representing your weight loss. Bad if you are trying to coast through the mountains of doubt that come with a major life change.

153.5...

2005-10-12T10:21:00.000-04:00

Now the weight is flying off and I am really at a loss to explain it. But I will happily take it. I have less than 5 pounds to go to reach goal weight. Let's see where weighing 153.5 pounds puts the car.

In other news, I am poised to lose 180 pounds in one fell swoop. It looks like I have added a new wrinkle to the MegaChallenge: being a healthy single mom. I am terrified and relieved and sad and nervous and hopeful and a little nostalgic. Sigh.

Popping In...

2005-10-11T16:14:00.000-04:00

I feel like I am neglecting the real purpose of this blog - doing the 200 workouts - but I really haven't been getting to the gym at all. I am losing weight, though. Go figure. I saw 154 and 154.5 on the scales this morning. Just to be on the safe side I will count the higher number for now. Let's see what that does to the car...

I am pretty excited about the 22.8 BMI. It seems somewhat surreal to be so close to my goal. Don't pinch me, though. I am a bit of a wimp when it comes to pain.

My life is doing its typical messy explosion thing. Breathing seems to be the only thing I am able to accomplish with any regularity. Ever have one of those days (years)?

Later That Same Day...

2005-10-10T17:16:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I like to get on the scale. Today my double checking actually paid off. Yes. There is a weight update. 155.5 lbs. Don't hate me because I am skinny. Just concentrate on the car...

Holding Steady...

2005-10-10T12:15:00.000-04:00

I weigh exactly 156 lbs today. That means that I maintained my weight while out of town - no small feat.

I also managed to work in a nice walk (68/200) while I was on the road. It breaks a very long workout dry spell. I gotta get back on track in the exercise department.

I'd love to sit here and create an incredibly insightful post - but I have to catch up on my life. It kept going without me while I was away.

On The Road Again...

2005-10-06T12:45:00.000-04:00

I am off on another business trip, but I need to move the car before I go.

Yeppers. After a year (slight exaggeration) at 159 lbs, I have dropped another pound to 156. I am wearing size 10 jeans, and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Here's hoping it isn't a train.

No, I have not managed to get to the gym. I thought I might try to fit in a swim, but getting ready to leave town with a sore back has proven difficult. Ah well... There is always next week.

And Robert, you are right, 157 lbs at 5' 9" is pretty svelte. 156 is even a little better - thus my goal of 149 lbs. For my height, it is a pretty decent weight. And I am so, so, so close to getting there!

Eight to Go...

2005-10-05T13:08:00.000-04:00

Pounds, that is. Getting this close to goal is a little scary. Right now, I am really focused on seeing 149 lbs on the scale. But what happens when I get there? Do I keep going? If so, how far? Will I maintain my new weight or lose motivation and end up back in pushing 200 land?

I realize that mine isn't a unique struggle. Well, and that is what makes it both easier and more difficult. Easier because I am not alone. More difficult because I have all of the statistics flying around in my head - and I don't want to be among the 95% of dieters who regain the weight.

I know a big part of the battle is getting into the habit of being healthy - and not just dieting to lose weight. I am trying to keep that focus by setting the 200 workouts goal. Of course, going whole weeks without working out isn't the way to meet that goal. I also know that beating myself up for not working out isn't healthy, either.

With all that said, 157 lbs feels great! Wearing size 10 jeans feels fabulous! I am enjoying the rewards of my 4 months of fitness. So, let's celebrate my half-pound loss by moving the car!

Vrrrrrooooooommmmmmm!!!!!!

Down In Back...

2005-10-05T12:15:00.000-04:00

No, not you. Me. My back is in knots and I am very, very whiney about it. All I did was vacuum. And, snap! My lower back twisted into some reasonable facsimile of a pretzel and refuses to ease up. Even with powerful strong meds. Waaaaaahhhh!! I wanna feel good! I wanna work out!

I did take advantage of the horizontal nature of my day and read all of Karen Armstrong's The Narrow Gate. I have a thing about feminine spirituality memoirs. It is part of my quest to find me - the genuine me - under pounds of fat, years of abuse, and layers of dogma. Sheesh, it is hard. Every time I think I am making progress I realize that the process is a thousand times more complicated than I first thought.

It is like cleaning out a closet. At first you are just going to straighten things up a bit - but before you know it you have everything out all over the room. And you are reading old letters and checking the pockets in purses you haven't carried since high school - and then it is midnight and you can't even see your bed under all of the stuff and you just want to go to sleep, but now you have this huge mess.

Well, it is midnight around here. Everything is piled out in front of me and I am trying to decide whether to throw it on the floor and get some sleep or to dig in. Hmmmmm...

I Just Don't Understand...

2005-10-03T11:53:00.000-04:00

How I can go weeks without losing an ounce and then suddenly lose a pound in less than 24 hours. I am sure there is some rational scientific explanation about breaking fat down into water and holding onto it for awhile or something equally as eye-glazing. I mean, I'll take losses of a pound in less then 24 hours. But I am one of those girls who likes order and predictability. Granted, I don't get much of it, but I like it.

So, yeah, I lost another half a pound. I didn't work out. I didn't stick strickly to my diet. (My family went to an all-you-can-eat deal on Saturday. I was sooooo careful, but it is just impossible to walk out of there without doing a little damage.) And I lose weight.

What am I whining about?? I weight 157.5 lbs! Move that car!

Fits and Starts...

2005-10-02T08:11:00.000-04:00

All in all, I would have to say that the MegaChallenge is going very well. Sure, I have slacked some in my intensity and progress, but from what I gather that is typical. We all start out like gangbusters. It is the long-haul, day-after-day, month-after-month follow through that tends to get hard. So, the fact that I am still plugging along after 4 months of this fitness quest gives me great hope.

That... and the loss of another half pound. I am never this upbeat when I have stalled out! That puts me at 158 pounds - or 30 pounds gone since the start of the MegaChallenge. So, let's move the car and pretend that no one notices that I haven't worked out since Thursday. Okay? K.

Oh, and beefore I forget, check out Renee's new site, Fatfighters. You won't bee disappointed. ;)

158.5...

2005-09-30T12:35:00.000-04:00

Yup. I finally saw something other than 159 lbs on the blasted scale this morning. Actually, the first 26 times I stood on it I saw 157.5. I must have swollen with pride because when I went back a few minutes later to re-verify the amazing new number the scale wouldn't budge off of 158.5. What the... So, I am going to count the 158.5 lbs as my official new weight, and send lots of tributes to the scale gods in hopes that the lower number will return very soon. In the meantime, here is the car for your viewing pleasure:

Today is the last day of the month ("No, kidding?" you say.) and one of the two times a month that I do measurements for the body fat percentage. According to the fat gods, I have gained a pound of lean mass and lost two pounds of fat in the last two weeks. Thus the stall out on the scale. My body fat is down to about 27% which puts me about 5% above my goal. So, even though the scale is being a bit (okay, very) stubborn, I am seeing progress elsewhere.

Oh, and since this supposed to be a fitness blog (you know, including such things as working out) I should tell you that workouts 66/200 and 67/200 are in the bag. 66 consisted of a very long (4 hour) walk. 67 was completed via an hour of lap swimming. Still no joy on my elliptical buddy, but I am holding out hope that I won't have to replace my hip before I can use it, again.

Stay Busy While I Wander About...

2005-09-28T21:15:00.000-04:00

Just in case you find yourself with loads of free time because I am not being the good daily blogger, here is something to keep you busy. It is likely the most addictive and challenging puzzle I have attacked in my life. Oh, and in case you don't have that kind of free time, you can do simpler Sudoku here.

Don't say I didn't warn you. (Yes, I am still stuck at 159. I don't want to talk about it.)

Hey! Look! Over there...

2005-09-25T17:51:00.000-04:00

I was hoping to distract you from the fact that I have stalled out for an entire week in the weight loss thing. I still feel very good about where I am, but when you get into the swing of losing a couple of pounds a week, going this long without a drop feels like an eternity. From what I understand, it isn't an official plateau unless it stretches for 2-3 weeks. I am hoping I won't have to report on that phenomenon.

I did get my butt to the gym for workout 65/200 today. I was completely unmotivated to get out the door, but once I got there it was better. I made it 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer before I headed over to the bike to finish up my 36 minutes of cardio. I know I need to get back to lifting, I just don't feel like it! Since when has that been a viable excuse? It isn't.

Stuck...

2005-09-23T23:08:00.000-04:00

Several things seem to be glued in place around here. My eyes are glued to the weather. My weight is glued to 159 lbs. I could keep going, but suffice it to say that I would like whatever it is that is helping create hurricanes to find something else to do, and I would like my body to let go of the fat. I doubt that the two things have anything in common. Well, other than the fact that the more I sit in front of the TV the less I move.

I have noticed that I do tend to hold on to weight for a week or so and then drop it all at once. Maybe it is time for another one of those flurries of weight loss. I haven't noticed any brilliant patterns regarding the hurricanes. But, heck, if they want to call it a season, I am all for it.

Oh, yeah. I did go to the gym today. No elliptical due to the hip thing, so I begrudgingly spent 36 minutes peddling the bike. Workout 64/200 is in the books.

Better Than a Workout...

2005-09-22T13:33:00.000-04:00

I am not going to the gym today. I did workout 63/200 yesterday. It hurt. It still hurts. I am disgusted but determined to stay positive.

So, I did one better - I got my hair done! It is fall, and I am ready for new. New routines. New clothes. New hair. Maybe it is the years of going to school with all new things that set this pattern up for me, but I can't help it. When September rolls around I get the urge to revamp my planet. So, since I am waiting until the last 10 pounds are gone to buy my new school clothes, I went for new hair.

I feel fabulous! I look fabulous! Well, so says my hairdresser. And that's a key to a good hairdresser: they never let you leave without first making sure that you believe you are the most gorgeous thing to ever sit in that chair.

So, yeah, I am worried about the folks in Texas as Rita barrels across the Gulf. I am still all emotionally involved in the aftermath of Katrina. I am watching the continuing sit-in in Nashville over TennCare with amazement and disbelief that our government can kill people with a straight face. But you know what? Life is pretty good here. I have so much to be thankful for; fabulous new fall hair for starters.

Blogger Test for Allan...

2005-09-21T11:09:00.000-04:00

Allan is the most regular blogger I have ever encountered. So when I opened up his site this morning and found yesterday's post staring at me, I ran to the window to check the sun. Yes, it came up, but I am certain things are out of order.

Allan has a theory that there is something amiss in Bloggerland that is preventing updates, so I am attempting to post this in an effort to either prove or dispel that theory. Here goes...

Update: Allan has moved his blog to: http://almostgastricbypass.blogspot.com/ I have changed the link on my sidebar as well as in in this post. Whew! Life goes on!

Cleaning Out The Closet...

2005-09-19T17:58:00.000-04:00

I have been putting it off for weeks, but I finally spent a couple of hours trying on the clothes in my closet. It is amazing how little of it fits me. Now comes the hard part: getting rid of it. I am such a pack rat. What if I gain the weight back? I don't want to have to go out and re-purchase clothes at every size. But another part of me keeps saying, "If you don't have those clothes you might be more likely to avoid needing the larger sizes."

With hurricane came the real imputus to purge my closet. I got an email requesting larger-sized clothing. Evidently people are not donating clothing in bigger sizes, and those folks are doing without. I don't need them. Someone esle does. They need to go.

Cleaning out the closet really makes me feel better. I have space for the things I actually wear. I don't have to dig through 20 blouses to find the 3 that fit. Having some margin really is nice. I am sure there are other things that I need to let go. Perhaps that is one of the steps of the Mental Health MegaChallenge.

Oh, and in Fitness MegaChallenge, I did a 36 minute ride to nowhere this afternoon that takes care of workout 62/200. My Rio battery died at the 30 minute mark, so those last 6 minutes were some of the longest of my life. I may make a new MP3 player my goal weight prize. The upside would be the ability to carry more than 30 tunes and play it for more than an hour. The downside would be that I would be so overwhelmed with music choices that I never actually get around to working out. Hmmmm.

And So It Goes...

2005-09-18T11:50:00.000-04:00

And goes, and goes! Another half of a pound vanished overnight to put the scale solidly on 159 this morning. So, yes, race fans, it is time to move the car!

As I get closer to my goal weight, I am working hard to ignore the failure voices that keep trying to pop into my head. They say things like, "The last 10 pounds are always the hardest." They threaten me with, "You will never keep it off. No one does." And then there is the always-encouraging, "Just because you have lost 30/40/50 pounds doesn't mean you will ever be happy." These thoughts are the real hurdles to my health. Sure, I keep track of every calorie, work out regularly, and continue to make progress, but the true MegaChallenge is improving my mental health. Unless I work toward being my genuine self, find my bliss, discover balance, or ________ (enter your mental health mantra here), no amount of weight loss is going to make me a happier person. My happiness should not ride on whether I am able to run 26.2 miles or fit into a size 10.

The MegaChallenge started with a rather flippant comment, but it highlighted a reality: that my dreams are achievable if I set goals and work toward them. I have wanted to be fit for years and just kept putting it off. When I was whining that my clothes woudln't fit and that it would take 200 workouts to get into them I didn't really expect to do those 200 workouts, and here I am with 61 of them behind me. Having someone take me seriously and say, "Do them!" is what finally got me off my ass.

Taking a hard look at the reality of what it will take to get me where I want to be and then setting out to get there is something I am getting better at doing. I returned to finish my degree in a similar fashion. Not finishing college had been hanging over my head for more than a decade, but I kept only half-planning to do something about it. I mentioned it a bunch but it wasn't until I said it to someone who took me seriously that I was able to actually put a plan into action. I am scheduled to finish classes next June. I am 9 months away from completing something that I beat myself up over for 10 years!

I am certain that there are other dreams that I need to turn into goals. Thank goodness I am finally healthy enough to seek out positive, supportive people. They tend to be the same people who give me those nudges to seek my bliss. It may seem like a small thing, but it is a huge change from my history of seeking out folks who live to put me down. Like eating sleeves of Oreos, it was a "comfortable" way of living for years, but not a healthy one.

So, now I am faced with a deeper MegaChallenge and I have to wonder if there is anything I can do 200 times in order to achieve mental health. Nudges happily accepted.

Hip to be Square...

2005-09-17T11:18:00.000-04:00

I am still babying this hip. Yesterday I tried to get some shopping done, and had plans for a late afternoon workout. Unfortunately, the pain in the hip overruled my desire to check off workout number 60. I thought about going to the pool, but just didn't get it in gear. I refuse to let this get me down.

About a year ago I was training for a half marathon (with hopes of turning it into a full 26.2 at some point) when I developed a heinous case of tendonitis in my ankle. If I stood up the thing swelled to twice its typical size. I ended up doing loads of physical therapy, taking loads of meds, and severely curtailing the training. There were obvious physical implications, but the most damaging effect of the injury was the emotional toll. I had this plan, you see, and it got botched up and I didn't know how to replace it. I mean, there really isn't much out there to replace running a marathon.

The hip thing is lots like the ankle thing in that it threatens my ability to reach my goal unless I can come up with an alternate plan. I cannot spend hours on the elliptical trainer if I am not going to be able to walk afterward. I still intend to complete the MegaChallenge. So, I have to come up with an idea of how I can pull it off. Again, I refuse to let this get me down. Much.

Goodbye 160s...

2005-09-16T08:53:00.000-04:00

You heard it right! I am outta the 160s and onto the final leg of the weight loss portion of the MegaChallenge. 159.5 pounds feels so close to goal. Perhaps it is because it is only a little over 10 pounds away. Perhaps it is because I am okay with the weight I am carrying right now, so losing the last ten doesn't seem as urgent as losing that first 30.

(I know I have 188 as my upper weight so if you are a math whiz you may be thinking, "But, Gina, you have only lost 28.5 pounds!"- but that was as of the beginning of the MC - 6/6/5 - and not the beginning of my working out. I was in the low 190s somewhere, but didn't get a scale and get serious until I started the MegaChallenge. Further, the idea of needing to lose 39 pounds seemed infinitely more doable than 40. Heck, I may even aim for 145 - which would be around a 50 pound loss. But not until I get to 149. So there! End of parenthetical tangent...)

Whatever the reason for my current state of contentment, I am thrilled to be here. I am not thrilled, however, with the continued pain in my hip. I pushed myself yesterday and extended the run to nowhere (59/200) to 50 minutes. Not smart. My heart and lungs and brain felt great. My hip didn't say a whole lot until I got off of the elliptical machine. Yeouch! This has been going on for weeks and I am just about tired of it. I have rested, backed off, switched routines, and it still hurts. Gah!!

Ick. Enough pity partying. It is time to move the car! And since I know that is the reason you keep dropping by, here ya go...

Kristopher Donnenhoffer...

2005-09-15T10:01:00.000-04:00

If that's your name, get outta my head! I had a dream just before I woke up that included a guy with that very long name. How do I know that was his name?? He wrote it down for me. He must have noticed that I am officially down to 160 lbs and ready to be noticed by Ginger's honest-to-god hotties. Well, at least in my dreams.

Oprah was in my dream, too. I was in a shoe store full of people and she walked right up to me and we started chatting like old friends. We discussed diamonds and how a "Bay Window" cut was such a waste of stone, but so lovely that it was worth it. At least my dream self has some serious self-confidence. Gotta work on that in my real life.

In case you missed the reference in the dream recall portion of the MegaChallenge, it is time to move the car. Yes, again!! I know! I know! I keep waiting for the morning that I step on the scale and it laughs and says, "April Fools! You actually gained 2 stone!!"

Yesterday's workout (58/200) went pretty well. I managed a 36 minute run to nowhere. My hip is still a little creaky, so going an hour isn't happening without some serious pain.

Correction...

2005-09-14T11:30:00.000-04:00

Make that 160.5! I am so close to the 150s that I can feel it. Can you see the smoke coming out of the back of the car?

I am heading out for workout 58/200 in a couple of hours. I wonder how I will do after being away for a week.

Keepin' On Keepin' On...

2005-09-14T09:35:00.000-04:00

The scale goddesses were smiling this morning. I am down a half a pound from my pre-trip weight to 161 lbs. So, the TOM/trip bloat theory was accurate. Huey, show the nice people where the car is, now.

Workout 57/200 consisted of 4 hours of walking all over the fair on Monday. I need to relocate the gym, today. Wish me luck. Send a map!

Travel Success...

2005-09-12T09:17:00.000-04:00

I made it the whole weekend without attacking the free desserts (I did have 75% of a chocolate chip cookie on Saturday, but I passed up the cheese cakes, pies, and ice cream) and snacks. I ate a bit more than I would at home - but left at least half of what I was served on my plate. It felt wasteful, but I overcame my "clean plate club" mentality and did the right thing for my health.

The scale was pretty kind this morning. It read 163. Considering it is my TOM and I tend to suffer from travel bloat (being away from home and sitting in meetings all day is hell on my system) anyway, I fully expect that pound to vanish without much fanfare.

One area that was completely neglected during the trip was exercise. I did walk some, but I never made it to the fitness center. Gotta get back in the groove now that I am home.

Oh, and Ginger is right about the 160 mark being when guys start noticing me, again. Not that I am trolling for men, but whether it is a boost in my own self-confidence or something else, I got lots of attention this week that I didn't get in May when I did a very similar trip. It is so good to be back.

It's Off to Work I Go...

2005-09-07T21:58:00.000-04:00

I am travelling for the next several days, so no news will be - well - no news. Before I go, I do want to catch y'all up on the latest MegaChallenge stats. I made it to the gym for workout 56/200 today and met 161.5 on the scale for the first time in a long time. Let's move the car, please.

Okay, now that that's done, my goal for the trip is to maintain my weight. I won't have a lot of choice about when and what I eat - only how much of it - so, keeping tabs on calories will be a little more difficult. I do plan to locate the fitness room at the hotel and become acquainted with some form of stationary motion. Maintaining my weight on a business trip will be a huge victory for me. Historically, I have taken baggier clothes to wear toward the end of long trips. Not this time.

Wish me luck!

Nothing to See Here. Move along...

2005-09-06T11:51:00.000-04:00

Okay, so the gym was closed for Labor Day and I don't do Tuesdays, so no gym progress to report. I still weight 162 lbs, so nothing new to note there. I am keeping track of food on FitDay, and it looks just like last week's intake, so that isn't news.

Yeah, I am fresh out of information.

I did get a papercut, yesterday. Yow! But, funny, that doesn't seem blog-worthy.

So, on your way. Read something else. Nothing to see here.

Progress...

2005-09-05T11:40:00.000-04:00

Well, there finally seems to be some progress toward helping those folks who have been affected by Katrina. I really want to help. I know money is important, but that doesn't seem to be enough to fill the chasm of need. Our local Red Cross is setting up several shelters in town and a local church is hosting a volunteer training tonight. I am planning to attend the training so that I can get connected to the network and be of some use.

Volunteering with the Red Cross is a good use of my skills. If you live in the US and are not one of the folks who can go help at the site of the disaster, there is probably some local activity you can join, too. If you own a business, perhaps you can employ a couple of evacuees. If you can teach, perhaps you help set up a literacy initiative or job training. It looks like we are in for a long haul. The least we can do is to pitch in and make life as comfortable as possible for the folks whose lives will never be the same.

There is progress in the fitness area, too. I completed workout 55/200 yesterday. I also met 162 lbs on the scale this morning. So, I have lost 2/3rds of the weight I set out to lose! That sends me to 23.9 on the BMI chart, which is solidly in the "healthy" range!! I also broke the 30% fat plateau - and am finally down to 29% body fat.

And, yes, it is time to move the car.

Today's Car Progress...

2005-09-04T15:21:00.000-04:00

I am still sitting in front of the TV, but I ran over here to update y'all on the fitness thang. I did go the gym yesterday (They have cable on the TVs in front of the elliptical trainers, so I was able to keep my eye on the news networks.) and completed workout 54/200.

I'll be seeing my friends who got me into this whole MegaChallenge deal next weekend. It is the first time they will see me since the beginning of the summer. I am pretty excited that I am going back short some 25.5 pounds. (Here's the car, son!)

When I started this it really was about the workouts - and I knew that workouts would cause me to lose some weight. But getting the eating in line made a bigger difference than I anticipated. (Here's where you say, "Eureka! She gets it!") I was counting on losing about a pound a week, so doing double that really makes the overall effect seem radical. I was squeezing into baggy size 16s in June, and I am struggling to keep my body-hugging 12s on, now.

Part of my motivation for keeping track of my eating was Renee's Beaker Babe Challenge. It pulled me off of my 173.5 plateau and I lost 11 pounds over the course of that 6-week period.

Anyone up for another challenge now that the Beaker Babe challenge is officially over?? Huh, huh, please??

It seems inconceivable that in 3 months I could be so close to my goal weight. The nice part of where I am is that I feel fine at the weight I am, now. I am happy with the way clothes fit. I have tons more energy. I can only imagine how I will feel in another 13.5 pounds.

The Car Has Moved, Again...

2005-09-02T12:52:00.000-04:00

Speaking of kids with autism. My son needs some normalcy to his routine. He keeps asking me about the car, and in my concern for the folks south of here, I nearly lost track of his needs. So, here ya go, sweetie!

It actually should have moved twice this week, but here is where it sits for today!

I gotta work on keeping life "normal" for him when things are so out-of-whack that I can barely function. There has to be a middle ground between the planet stopping to take notice of a disaster and maintaining our lives. Damn, there is that balance thing, again.

Glued to the News...

2005-09-02T12:16:00.000-04:00

There are plenty of things I should be doing. I should be doing my Econ homework. I should be doing laundry. I should be going to the gym. I should be living my life. But I am stuck in front of the TV and Internet watching endless updates on the happenings on the Gulf Coast. Each story is heartbreaking, and I gather them to me and try to figure out what I can do to help.

I think about the folks with disabilities who are stuck, scared, hurting, confused, or dead. I try to imagine what it is like for someone with autism to be completely out of their routine and around strange people and with no hope of things getting back to normal any time soon - if ever. I wonder how folks with physical disabilities are faring. They would have had a very hard time evacuating and can't climb into attics or onto rooftops. I worry and worry and worry.

There are some things that can be done. Donations. Information sharing. (The Arc of the US has a site set up specifically to help put folks with disabilities in contact with resources.) I can and will do that, but I am a mom. I mother. My urge is to get my hands on people and make everything okay. Of course, that is not within my power or ability. And since I can't seem to do the one thing I want to do, perhaps I should turn back to the things I should be doing. Right after I check the news.

Man the Lifeboats...

2005-08-31T15:05:00.000-04:00

Call me crazy, but it seems somewhat self-centered to be focused on weight loss while folks are drowning in their own homes. With the knowledge that many of the folks in the most dire circumstances didn't have the financial means to get out of dodge, it brings up thoughts of the Titanic. Here we are nearly a hundred years later repeating history. If you can afford to go first class (ie hire a limo for $3700 to drive you to Chicago) you get out. If you can't, you drown.

I admit that I am a bit of idealist, but if we can get busses to transfer 25,000 people to Houston after the hurricane, couldn't we have gotten busses to transfer them out of town before the hurricane? I have lived in a hurricane zone. I know what it takes to prepare for a storm. I know what it takes to evacuate an area. It isn't like we don't know ahead of time that these things will crop up from time to time (say between June and September every year). Why aren't we better prepared to get out of the way of them?

Someone really needs to make sure that we learn our lessons from these very scary/sad/tragic events. We need more lifeboats.

Quarter Of The Way...

2005-08-28T23:40:00.000-04:00

With yesterday's workout (50/200), I reached the 25% mark in the MegaChallenge. I got past the quarter mark today with workout 51/200, though I was totally unmotivated to hit the gym. I piddled around all afternoon and finally laced up the shoes just in time to make a 45 minute run to nowhere before the place shut down.

I am sure there is more to tell, but I am busy watching hurricane updates and working Sudoku. My brother-in-law is one of those brave/crazy folks who flies into these storms on purpose. I sort of sit vigil when I know he is out there - and this particular storm is so scary. I just keep praying for it to lose strength over night.

That "Life" Thang, Again...

2005-08-27T10:46:00.000-04:00

I am really excited about completing 25% of the MegaChallenge - which I was scheduled to do, yesterday. I was dressed for the gym and changing the batteries in my Rio, when my son winged a toy at my daughter. He managed to hit her in the face, and drew blood. Of course she needed stitiches. Poor baby. So my gym trip was replaced with a heart-rate increasing hospital trip.

For the record, this child is the bravest kid I have ever met. At four years old she accepted all the stuff they had to do to her - including a major shot into her eyebrow - without flinching. She took it so much better than I did! Her only request was that we go get "sparkeldy" nail polish when we left the hospital. Done! (And a princess nighty, flavored lip gloss, and popcicles.)

As I mentioned, this lovely gash is on her face. So, if everyone would send no-scar-healing vibes her way, I would appreciate it.

One More Funky Statistic...

2005-08-25T12:27:00.000-04:00

I have already confessed that I am a numbers girl. Love them. So, it should not come as a shock that noticing patterns is something that I sort of do naturally. With that said, I think I have spotted a trend. I lose about a half a pound every time I work out. I have worked out 48/200 times since June 6. In that same time period, I have lost 23.5 pounds. I noticed this phenomenon a couple of weeks ago. It may not be scientific, but damn if it isn't motivating! I gotta get to the gym!

Oh, and for those keeping track, the car has moved, again.

Now, don't anyone tell my son that my going to the gym moves the car. He'd be all over it.

Mom, Is It Time To Move The Car???

2005-08-24T08:25:00.000-04:00

Well, yes it is, son!

"Moving the car" has taken on a whole new meaning around here. Luckily I dropped another pound so that I can keep up with the demand for advancing the car.

I wonder if anyone ever developed an eating disorder because their kid wanted their ticker to move faster.

You know, pleasing other people is probably what got me into this mess. (Sure, Gramma, I'll take thirds. No, really, it is delicious.) I'd like to think that I am working toward a better/healthier way of interacting with the other life forms on this planet. I still feel guilty when my daughter brings me food and I turn her down. (Mommy's full! Her tummy doesn't need crackers right now.)

One thing I have learned is that that pleasing thing is genetic. I mean, my tiny daughter already does it. When I am sad or frustrated she does back flips to cheer me up. Part of my inspiration to be healthier (physically and emotionally) comes from her. When I gave birth to my daughter, it became crystal clear to me just how blighted my inheritance was, and I didn't want to pass that stuff along to her. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but we manage to do things to one another that are less than graceful. I doubt that I am wise enough to end all the weirdness, but I am trying to be mindful of what I am teaching my children.

First lesson: Self Care is important! It is not "selfish" (in the sense of being a person who wrongfully denies someone else their due) to take really good care of your own needs. Eating well, sleeping plenty, getting exercise, taking time to relax/read/reconnect, and pursuing passions are all things that a healthy life is built on. I learned that those are all things that come secondary to making sure everyone else's needs are met, and - you know - being responsible. My inheritance was that martyrdom is respected: the more work/pain you experience, the more you are worth. Blech. Hedonism isn't the way, either. It is about - all together, now - balance. But isn't everything?

Keeping My Son Happy...

2005-08-22T16:26:00.000-04:00

My son is very interested in the tickers at the top of folks' health blogs. Obviously, he has been exposed to plenty of them as I catch up with what y'all are up to. Anyway, he was concerned that I didn't have one, so he designed this for me.

He wants to make sure that lots of people get to see it. Mainly because it involves a car. He really likes cars.

So, there ya go.

To Go Boxes...

2005-08-21T23:15:00.000-04:00

I did something I have never done before. I requested the nutrition information from the waitress at the restaurant this evening. She sort of cocked her head to one side, golden retriever style, but she went and found it. They had a binder with a page for each menu item, and I flipped through it to see what would be decent choices. I didn't choose the healthiest thing in there, but I didn't end up with a 2,000 calorie meal, either. (Their honey mustard dressing alone has over 300 calories per serving! OUCH!)

I did something else that was somewhat new. I ate less than half the food on my plate and asked for a to go box for the rest and gave it to my mom. She's happy to have lunch for tomorrow. I am happy to have eaten a yummy meal and estatic that I avoided ruining it by stopping when I had eaten what I needed. Now, before you get the wrong idea, I have taken to go boxes before - but only when I have eaten way more "extras" like a basket of bread, appetizers, and likely a dessert, too. This time I stuck to eating my dinner without all the other, and still had lots of leftovers. I was pleasantly full, and actually recognized the feeling and - gasp - honored it.

Of course, all of this novel behavior is motivated by my continued fitness success. Having 46/200 workouts completed feels really good. Seeing 167 lbs on the scale feels really good. Wearing size 12 jeans feels really good. I like what I see in the mirror. I like how I feel. I like how well I am sleeping.

I love that I have gotten to the point in the game when my efforts are starting to show. Sure, I still have 18 pounds to lose, and 154 workouts to complete to reach my goals, but I have no intention of waiting until I get there to enjoy living.