Yeah, No...

So, you think you have a handle on what makes your body lose or gain weight. So, you track those things and tweak them to maximize the subtraction from the poundage. And you plateau. So then you hit a marshmallow-filled holiday (say, Halloween) and eat your age in s'mores and the next thing you know you have dropped another half a pound.

Makes you want to say things like, "What the hell? I think I will just eat my face off and lose those last couple of pounds." But you know that it is really the diet gods playing tricks on you. It is the mantra of the season, afterall. Trick-or-treat. It looks like I get both.

Don't tell the diet gods that I haven't been to the gym. They might see fit to give me flat abs just to mess with my mind.

Oh - and it is time to move the car. Vrrrooooommmm...

No Tricks there.

Given Everything Going On...

The fact that I can move the car seems somehow of very little import. Well, except for the fact that it makes my son happy. Oh, and it means I am only 3 pounds from goal. And, yes, it is a sign that I am still taking care of myself as I struggle through this period of my life. So, maybe it isn't such a tiny deal after all. So, let's see where a half-pound loss puts the car.

Yup. I weight 152 pounds. Never mind that it took me 3 days to lose 3 pounds and then 3 weeks to lose another half pound. Never mind that I was hoping to hit goal by Halloween. Well, if I can lose 3 pounds in 3 days, I could still, theoretically, hit goal by then - but I ain't countin' on it. As Jules pointed out, I am very close to goal, have an optimal BMI and look and feel pretty great about where I am.

I do think I will aim a little lower than 149 lbs, though. Probably another 10 pounds lower. That puts me at 10 pounds over my college weight. I know there was a study about adult weight gain that said that 11 pounds of gain over the course of your adult life is the upper limit. I am taking that seriously. I will say that at 129, I was rain-thin and really don't want to get that small. So, 149 is good but 139 will be my next target. I figure then that the 4 pound fluctuations I do through the month will still keep me under 145. 145 will be my "OMG I should probably run an extra mile" number.

All of this babbling to avoid the real topic of my thoughts. The appointment with the attorney went fine. We have everything nailed down but one last number. You know the number. Yeah, that would be the child support. My wasband is self-employed, and as such is hard to pin down when it comes to income. But, I am officially not going to worry about it. I am perfectly capable of taking care of my children. If we can't come to an agreement, the courts will make a decision. It is not within my control. So, I am not going to spend energy attempting to control something that I cannot.

Having said that, I am off to do the things I can control. Namely, taking care of my kids, eating properly, getting some form of exercise, and doing my homework for Marketing. Eight months from now I will have my Bachelor's. The timing of this split will not derail my dreams. So there.

Crickets...

Judging from the overwhelming number of comments, the details of my life outside of shedding pounds and running to nowhere are of little interest to the folks who frequent the MegaChallenge. There would have been a time I would have chosen one of two courses: stopped talking about my life or to have taken it personally and moped for a week.

Well, this isn't that time.

I really have nothing to report in the fitness quest. I have maintained a 152.5 lb weight for two weeks. Not exactly stellar if you are trying to weigh less than that - but not a bad effort when you are close to maintenance.

In divorce news, I meet with my attorney tomorrow afternoon. In some ways it can't come quickly enough. In others, it feels like it is all blazing by faster than I can process it all.

Fall. The Season of Corn Mazes and Attorneys...

In an attempt to bring some semblance of normalcy to our children's lives, my wasband and I headed out to visit a local pumpkin patch. It is a decent hike out there, and there are two main ways to get there; via interstate or via curvy surface roads. Of course, our lives being the mixed up weirdness that they are, we took the curvy path. Funky weird thing is that it is the same route that my dad took to get to the church the day we got married.

As I mentioned, it is a hike out there, so we don't often drive past this particularly scenic church - and I hadn't seen it in several years. So, how perfect is it that as we approach the place where this marriage started that my attorney called me to discuss arranging our divorce?? Yeah. It really happened exactly that way.

We made it to the farm without ripping each other apart. As a matter of fact, so far there is very little ugliness going on. Which, come to think of it, is a nice change from our normal routine. Maybe it is the fact that we have both given up. Maybe it is the fact that we are too sad to fight about it. I dunno. Regardless, so far there has been less bickering over the details of our divorce than there generally is over which rellies get to see us over the holidays.

The pumpkin patch was lovely. It is (finally) cold enough outside that it feels like fall. So, we were all bundled up in sweaters and jackets for the hay ride out. The kids each chose the very best pumpkin from the rows and rows and rows of options. To top it off, the farm has a corn maze - not a terribly elaborate one, but curvy and confusing enough to excite the sub-8-year-old crowd. We spent the better part of an hour (73/200) weaving and backtracking through the stalks until we found the exit.

Hmmmm. An overly-obvious metaphor? Perhaps. But walking out of that maze felt quite a bit like walking away from this marriage. While I enjoyed some of the mystery, excitement, and surprises of the time in the maze, I was really happy to get out into the open field in the end. After all, there is only so much weaving and backtracking you can do before you begin feeling a little confused and claustrophobic.

Running to Nowhere...

I think I am beginning to understand how hamsters must feel on those little wheels. I finally made it back to the gym and spent some time with the elliptical trainer (72/200). If it weren't for the fact that it removes layers of fat from my ass it would be such a ridiculous waste of time. Frankly, it probably is even with the physical benefits, but I am too *me* to do something else. So, I am sticking with it.

It sort of makes a nice metaphor for my life, though. I have spent the past 10 (12?) years of my life running to nowhere. Sure, I have given birth and partially raised two children, completed all but 20 hours of my degree, read books, prayed, worked on my own emotional health, and stuff along those lines. But, I have also spent an enormous amount of time and energy trying to stay connected to someone who just doesn't get it - in order to be a healthy couple, you have to work on being healthy individuals. One person can't make it all work out for the other.

So, yeah, I am pretty sad about the fact that we are breaking apart. And I have spent plenty of nights wondering if I could have done anything else/differently/better to have made everything work out. But, I can't help but hope that this divorce will be my chance to make my life into something more than it has been. To this point, I have been defined by my relationships to other people - and obviously I will still be a mom, sister, friend, daughter - but I am looking forward to getting to know who I am - authentically, without the pressures to fit into someone else's picture of who I should be. This is probably the ultimate MegaChallenge. It somehow feels easier and safer to perform an assigned role than to branch out and try something new - however poorly the assigned role actually fits.

So, here's to getting off of the hamster wheel and discovering my own path. But I am sticking with the elliptical trainer at the gym - for now - I can only manage one major life change at a time.

Still Here...

But in a disjointed, out-of-body sort of way. Lots going on emotionally that I just can't put into words.

Nothing much going on in the health and fitness department - though I did walk a couple of times this week (70 and 71/200). Fall weather is my favorite - so I will probably do more walking than gymming until it turns cold.

Someone wrote that getting a divorce was like ripping your veins out. I have never done the latter - but I would tend to agree. Of course, there is a part of me that is looking forward to life without my wasband. Right now that life seems really far away.

I am really craving a sleeve of Ore0s. Of course, I am using all my powers of resistance to avoid any such purchase - but don't think that the thought hasn't plagued me quite a bit. I don't want to lose track of my goal: a healthy, happy Gina. Ore0s aren't in that picture. Really. Not even one sleeve.

Creme Brulée... well, that's a completely different discussion.

For Those Keeping Score at Home...

I have taken a day off from my pound-a-day loss trend. The scale said the same thing today as it did yesterday: 152.5. How odd that it is somehow a relief to not lose weight for a day. Yeah, I am the same woman who was bitching endlessly about being stuck at 159. What can I say? I am fickle that way.

Anyone want to place bets on how long it takes me to panic that I am not dropping weight?

Whodda Thunk...

That divorce would the be secret to rapid weight loss? Okay, maybe it isn't. Maybe I am finally letting go of those pounds my body was holding on to during the stuck-at-159 stretch. Regardless, I have dropped 3 pounds this week and can't claim to have exercised other than taking a long walk (69/200) yesterday.

As this morning's scale visit revealed a 152.5, it is time to move the car, again.

I feel like I am driving without brakes. Great if you are trying to move a little graphic ticker car representing your weight loss. Bad if you are trying to coast through the mountains of doubt that come with a major life change.

153.5...

Now the weight is flying off and I am really at a loss to explain it. But I will happily take it. I have less than 5 pounds to go to reach goal weight. Let's see where weighing 153.5 pounds puts the car.

In other news, I am poised to lose 180 pounds in one fell swoop. It looks like I have added a new wrinkle to the MegaChallenge: being a healthy single mom. I am terrified and relieved and sad and nervous and hopeful and a little nostalgic. Sigh.

Popping In...

I feel like I am neglecting the real purpose of this blog - doing the 200 workouts - but I really haven't been getting to the gym at all. I am losing weight, though. Go figure. I saw 154 and 154.5 on the scales this morning. Just to be on the safe side I will count the higher number for now. Let's see what that does to the car...

I am pretty excited about the 22.8 BMI. It seems somewhat surreal to be so close to my goal. Don't pinch me, though. I am a bit of a wimp when it comes to pain.

My life is doing its typical messy explosion thing. Breathing seems to be the only thing I am able to accomplish with any regularity. Ever have one of those days (years)?

Later That Same Day...

Yeah, I like to get on the scale. Today my double checking actually paid off. Yes. There is a weight update. 155.5 lbs. Don't hate me because I am skinny. Just concentrate on the car...

Holding Steady...

I weigh exactly 156 lbs today. That means that I maintained my weight while out of town - no small feat.

I also managed to work in a nice walk (68/200) while I was on the road. It breaks a very long workout dry spell. I gotta get back on track in the exercise department.

I'd love to sit here and create an incredibly insightful post - but I have to catch up on my life. It kept going without me while I was away.

On The Road Again...

I am off on another business trip, but I need to move the car before I go.

Yeppers. After a year (slight exaggeration) at 159 lbs, I have dropped another pound to 156. I am wearing size 10 jeans, and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Here's hoping it isn't a train.

No, I have not managed to get to the gym. I thought I might try to fit in a swim, but getting ready to leave town with a sore back has proven difficult. Ah well... There is always next week.

And Robert, you are right, 157 lbs at 5' 9" is pretty svelte. 156 is even a little better - thus my goal of 149 lbs. For my height, it is a pretty decent weight. And I am so, so, so close to getting there!

Eight to Go...

Pounds, that is. Getting this close to goal is a little scary. Right now, I am really focused on seeing 149 lbs on the scale. But what happens when I get there? Do I keep going? If so, how far? Will I maintain my new weight or lose motivation and end up back in pushing 200 land?

I realize that mine isn't a unique struggle. Well, and that is what makes it both easier and more difficult. Easier because I am not alone. More difficult because I have all of the statistics flying around in my head - and I don't want to be among the 95% of dieters who regain the weight.

I know a big part of the battle is getting into the habit of being healthy - and not just dieting to lose weight. I am trying to keep that focus by setting the 200 workouts goal. Of course, going whole weeks without working out isn't the way to meet that goal. I also know that beating myself up for not working out isn't healthy, either.

With all that said, 157 lbs feels great! Wearing size 10 jeans feels fabulous! I am enjoying the rewards of my 4 months of fitness. So, let's celebrate my half-pound loss by moving the car!

Vrrrrrooooooommmmmmm!!!!!!

Down In Back...

No, not you. Me. My back is in knots and I am very, very whiney about it. All I did was vacuum. And, snap! My lower back twisted into some reasonable facsimile of a pretzel and refuses to ease up. Even with powerful strong meds. Waaaaaahhhh!! I wanna feel good! I wanna work out!

I did take advantage of the horizontal nature of my day and read all of Karen Armstrong's The Narrow Gate. I have a thing about feminine spirituality memoirs. It is part of my quest to find me - the genuine me - under pounds of fat, years of abuse, and layers of dogma. Sheesh, it is hard. Every time I think I am making progress I realize that the process is a thousand times more complicated than I first thought.

It is like cleaning out a closet. At first you are just going to straighten things up a bit - but before you know it you have everything out all over the room. And you are reading old letters and checking the pockets in purses you haven't carried since high school - and then it is midnight and you can't even see your bed under all of the stuff and you just want to go to sleep, but now you have this huge mess.

Well, it is midnight around here. Everything is piled out in front of me and I am trying to decide whether to throw it on the floor and get some sleep or to dig in. Hmmmmm...

I Just Don't Understand...

How I can go weeks without losing an ounce and then suddenly lose a pound in less than 24 hours. I am sure there is some rational scientific explanation about breaking fat down into water and holding onto it for awhile or something equally as eye-glazing. I mean, I'll take losses of a pound in less then 24 hours. But I am one of those girls who likes order and predictability. Granted, I don't get much of it, but I like it.

So, yeah, I lost another half a pound. I didn't work out. I didn't stick strickly to my diet. (My family went to an all-you-can-eat deal on Saturday. I was sooooo careful, but it is just impossible to walk out of there without doing a little damage.) And I lose weight.

What am I whining about?? I weight 157.5 lbs! Move that car!

Fits and Starts...

All in all, I would have to say that the MegaChallenge is going very well. Sure, I have slacked some in my intensity and progress, but from what I gather that is typical. We all start out like gangbusters. It is the long-haul, day-after-day, month-after-month follow through that tends to get hard. So, the fact that I am still plugging along after 4 months of this fitness quest gives me great hope.

That... and the loss of another half pound. I am never this upbeat when I have stalled out! That puts me at 158 pounds - or 30 pounds gone since the start of the MegaChallenge. So, let's move the car and pretend that no one notices that I haven't worked out since Thursday. Okay? K.

Oh, and beefore I forget, check out Renee's new site, Fatfighters. You won't bee disappointed. ;)